Column A or Column B?

So...it has been almost a solid three weeks since we officially broke up. A lot has happened...and this is probably the most honest Im going to be about the situation. Mainly because this computer cant/wont judge me.

Im going to do this in question/answer format because it should prevent me from ranting/blabbing.

1. Am I happy?
• Yes. I have seen friends that I have not in a long time. Im finally just doing things without worrying if Jimmy is going to be at home alone or bored or doing things I dont like. My nights can go longer because I want them to - and not because I stopped them short due to Jimmy's lack of energy or willingness to do stuff.
2. Am I still friends with Jimmy?
• Yes. I wanted this from the kick off. Except, now its different. I wanted a friendship to begin with because I was afraid of loosing him in my life. I wanted to grasp onto anything I could. Now. I want this still but strictly for the sake of him being a good friend of mine. I think I make a fantastic friend to him [if not more importantly, potential girlfriend] and I'd like to prove this.
3. Do I have feelings for him?
• Yes. Most definitely. Ive been around him for four years. I could never just walk away and say "f you". [Unless of course he slept with someone else or something to that extreme]. Which from what I know [and all I care to know at this point] is that he did not. Im seeing him in a new light. He loves women - he loves to look at them at least. I need to accept that fantasy is apart of most men's lives. It happens. Now, I dont feel angry or jealously or a lack of confidence. I love who he is - I love his vibrancy. I love him.
4. Have I moved on?
• No. Ive started to - Ive found ways to really bring myself past the sorrow of losing him as my boyfriend. The back of my mind still tells me there's still something there, but I see us battling that emotion to the death. I think we are both trying to prove something...to ourselves, each other, the world.
5. Have I been intimate with Jimmy?
• Yes - three times. [not going into details though] Each time was great and fun. It involved no normal emotion of ours, which is great. Each thing we did was different each time and I know this could go a lot of ways....but don't read into too much. Intimate means a lot of different things.
6. Have I been intimate with anyone else?
• Yes. It took me a good week to finally step it up and let it just happen. The first time [actually almost every time] was in Annapolis...downtown...and it was a bit unnerving. I wasnt ready but I knew I needed it. [ONCE AGAIN DO NOT READ INTO THE WORD INTIMATE lol] After that - it became a bit easier and more fun. Overall - the thought of being single is still freaky as shit ...but the way Im doing it right now is just right. I dont feel pressured to take things anywhere or go too far with anyone.
7. Was it something that made me happy?
• Yes. It felt great to be able to express emotion in any type of phyiscal emotion - NOT with Jimmy. I dont mean that in a bad way, but with Jimmy, if Im emotionally physical - ill be mind f------ myself. I cant handle that right now. It felt good to not be sad or think of him while with another guy. It felt great to have someone tilt my head, hold my cheek, stroke my face, kiss my forehead...and mean it. [Not saying Jimmy didnt - just saying in general - to have someone still want to give me that cute, happy pleasure].
8. Have I seen Jimmy move on or be with anyone else?
• No. I got a glimpse of his original attempt with bartender girl. It backfired and his friend/business partner swept in and stole her...although he's not in any situation to do so. but then again, thats where Jimmy's bad influence would be coming in. ANYWAYS - from what I understand...he has not physically or emotionally let anyone in. I think he wanted that...but now has backed away from it. HE's mainly in contact with male friends from the past. Unfortunately - I think what he is realizing...is they moved forward.I think 99% of them - minus his business partner - are now married, engaged, in a serious relationship, living with their partner, have or expecting kids. Literally all of them....I dont think he was expecting that. I think he was expecting for things to revert back. The younger ages, the random slutty/hot chicks around, the late night partying, living in a college town, going out a lot....Its kinda like, hey dude, youre 28 years old. You need to start figuring your shit.

So...Do I like the single Life? Yes and No.
Would I trade it? YES! I'll take a commited, happy relationship any day.

But til then...I'll live it up and enjoy the free kisses ;-)

Taking a Break

I spent the last 10 days avoiding most of my regular activities -- aside from seeing people. I stayed away from blogging, sitting on the computer, playing on my phone or Ipad. Just need some me time. Well...I started the month off strong. Doing most of my activities solo or without a regard towards my ex.

EASTER WEEKEND
I weighed myself Easter weekend. I had lost 15 pounds. It was great to see that number on the scale but I knew how I got there. I could not bring myself to eat...unless I was around my ex. The first weekend we broke it off - he gave me a 1/4 of his burrito - I finished it. The following week - we went to Coconut Joes - I ate a good portion of our sampler.

I took into a relaxation method I havent done in awhile - I figured maybe relaxation would make me want to eat...slightly correct. Unforunately - it was only binging and it wasnt the right foods.

I finally got myself to hit the gym Friday [Good Friday]. I figured Id be weak and unable to real workout. A co-worker of mine said to take it slow and not overdue it. I got on the treadmill first, which I never do. I took that speed way up and it wasnt enough. I ran straight through, which is not normal for me right now. Feeling my feet slam against the treadmill tread was fantastic. I blared the music in my ears as loud as possible, stared myself right in the eyes and just kept running. I felt myself getting winded, I felt my breath getting short and I felt the sweat. Didnt bother me for once, I kept going. I needed this. I needed this release.

The release came. All of a sudden, my lips went pale, my energy scooted down. I stopped the treadmill completely, but then realized, I needed to keep a brisk walk pace so I dont pass out. I was wiped out. Not from the actual run but the amount of emotions that came up to the surface. Suddenly I was sad/angry/heartbroken. All the feelings I tried to bury, came right on up. I took a walk to the bathroom incase I was going to get sick...then hopped on the bike - went my normal speed and it didnt feel like enough, so I pushed it up. Then I went for weights/abs/arms...couldnt seem to stop. Finally, I looked at myself in the mirror and decided I needed to take it easy.

--

As of this morning - I know I want my rockin' body back but I want to do it by eating right again, and running. I leave to Egypt on Thursday of this current week. So, Ive got a little bit of time to get some work outs in and enjoy myself. Ive slid in sips of alcohol and unhealthy food.

MY OOPS FOODS DURING HEARTBREAK:

• Chipotle Burrito [1/4 of it]
• Sips of Izze
• Crab Dip [3x]
• 3 Coconut Shrimp
• Cup of Rasberry Tea
• 1/4 of a Ginger Ale
• 2 Bottles of Apple Juice
• Monte Cristo Sandwich
• 4 Bagels
• Cream Cheese on each of those bagels
• 1/4 Mousse Cake
• 1/4 Strawberry Shortcake
• SBShortcake Shooter
• Mimosa
• GROSS chinese food
• half a package of ritz crackers

I think thats it for "bad".

HERE'S TO NEW CHOICES...and BETTER DECISIONS!

Picking It Up

My body is slowly getting the itch to get back into working out - itd be the best release. Id be able to take my aggression out the right way. Unfortunately - Ive got no energy source yet. It took me 5 hours to finish ONE breakfast item without needing to get rid of it. Work was good - I got to talk it out.

Throughout my extra shifts - I was able to talk about everything with a coworker and a client. It felt good to say it aloud to people who didnt know me outside of the gym. There was no bias. Just honest ears listening and giving advice.

I refrained from messaging my ex through-out the day. Instead, I texted and FB'd with lots of friends. I decided to finally get a hold on which tattoo I wanted. Most areas Id like to put certain tattoos - need to slim down first. Ive been weighing myself everyday still. Im keeping the weight off and still dropping.

My daily nerves are gone for the most part but the emotions are still floating around inside of me. Making the thought of daily meals or working out - near impossible. Driving alone has gotten much better. I just blast the music, louder than normal.

I went home after work - deciding to just take a full day to myself. I sat there singing and singing for about an hour. I played all these old songs:

• This I promise you - NSYNC
• Going Under - Evanescence
• My Immortal - Evanescence
• Bring me to Life - Evanesence
• Broken - Seether and Amy Lee
• I will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
• Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis

what finally made me cry and lose my ability to hit any note: I knew I loved you before I met you - Savage Garden. In  no way does it relate to my ex. Its the story behind that song. It came out when I was in Elementary School. It was 4th grade when I became a big fan of Savage Garden - my then best friend and I used to sing and sing to their CD all day long. We even made music videos. I can still recall the music video....I can recall my mornings getting pretty for school, just to see certain boys. It took me back to where I thought life was so tough...yet, here I am.

I began moving and packing things - I put things I wanted to sell in my roommates room - just to give me a piece of mind...and probably even my ex. It helped to see me just toss things I was holding onto. I need to let go of my childhood and realize - hey, this is your time.

As they say "burn the candles, have the desert or two, wear the lingerie" dont save it for the future caues you dont know.....

Reality Check

The Scoop on my Love Life.

My boyfriend went three weeks or more - of covering up his feelings. Avoiding being honest about feeling I was losing myself and he hasnt happy anymore. He saught after another female - a bartender from an Uno's Bar and Grill. [always promising - barf]. He went astray. As of my knoweldge - no cheating took place. other than emotionally.

My boyfriend - became my ex within a week of that.

I dropped ten pounds, made changes and choices. He avoided me and did his own thing for the first couple of days. We live together, so night time was a bit awkard. Now - my changes are being noticed. We decided to stop purposely fighting this off and actually talk it out.

Saturday -- we didnt spend the day together but got home around the same time. He had hurt himself playing sports. I helped him out putting ointment on and letting him relax.  We decided to watch a movie with our roommate. He had gone to Chipotle with him - they brought back food for themselves. I was kinda off put since just because Im not the girlfriend, doesnt mean they cant call me and say hey, want something? But, WHATEVER. My roommate made a joke saying, "its cause you dont matter anymore". I froze...not sure how to react. My insides did nothing - but I left the room for a minute. My ex came in - looked at me, and said are you okay, he was a jerk for saying that. I said no, Im fine. It doesnt matter honestly. It threw me off that he cared though. He continued to text throughout the entire movie. [[Bartender Girl]]

Sunday -- I decided to confront him about this girl and get the scoop. Its his "venting" person. He claims he has no plans as far as she goes - shes just someone to talk with. He explained he feels as if he has to flirt when speaking to females and he feels as if he "has" to do it to move on - since he fears ill be moving on much quicker. This was at 6am.

He came clean about feeling alone. He told me he reads my Facebook and expects theres 12 dudes waiting in line to date me. It shocks me - we went our whole relationship with him RARELY glancing over my page or blogs. I decided that was all I needed to hear for the morning -- and went to work. I felt ill. I almost cried, but didnt. I decided...I needed to pull through and go to brunch with my friends. I almost canceled it - but, no. No more moving or changing for the sake of him. I went and had an amazing time - I just let myself enjoy company and reflect to who I am. I had a great day - even bought myself flowers for the first time.

He took that evening to be with his family - as did I.

When he came back - he looked distraught. Saying, everything was hitting him. Being there without me didnt feel right. He looked as if he needed to cry. I felt for him, I really did. But, this was his choice.  He either needs to stick with it or do some serious thinking. I cant keep competeing with everything his business partner says to him about me or about HIS miserable marriage.

He noticed I had gotten dolled up - yet again. He commented and showed his jealously - his mind had assumed I went on a date. I eventually explained it was a family dinner for a birthday celebration. He seemed relieved but exclaimed he couldnt stop looking at me [granted, I was wearing a lace dress/shirt].

We shared the bed that night -- not completely intentionally and it was strictly for sleeping purposes. I woke up overnight - to see him facing me. To see his face as close as possible to mine. It then hit me - he was going to coming back to me....idk how or when...but he had let his guard down.

I laid there wondering why. Why that night? THen it hit me. He didnt work or see his business partner. He had a day to himself - without me being home or without hanging with me. He got a tiny sip of what itll be like to be alone - without any of us. [Sucks doesnt it?!]. I didnt know how I felt. I thought Id be excited. Happy, even. But, Im not. I had gone through an extremely hard week. A terrifying one....by myself. He didnt call or text or give a shit.

That hurt me a lot. So now...what?! You are lonely? sad? scared? horny? bored? Must be nice.

I woke up feeling refreshed. Empowered.




Monday. we spent the afternoon/night together. I had gotten home to have him already there. I took him to the MVA and other errands with my nephew. We let it all out. We explained our fears, our dreams, our goals and our disappointments. While driving back to our house to grab something - he began laughing at me as I was singing. I kept asking why he was laughing. He goes, "cause we are going to be those friends who hang out all the time but really hate each other". I did not understand this statement at all. I looked at him and asked for an explanation.

"I hate you right now. Youre becoming the girl I fell in love with, the girl I always knew you were. Youre going to start doing everything - and now we arent together".

We talked about so much. I looked at him and said we didnt do it right - we were worried about the wrong things. He goes, "I wish we could have done everything right, then we wouldnt be here".

Thats when I realized - hes still very much in love and wanting this. Hes not ready to walk away.

Am I???


We spent the evening stopping by my parents house and having a small firepit with our roommate. He was messaging his business partner the schedule and I decided to test the water. I picked up my stuff and said, okay im leaving tihs is awkward. Both boys spun around and were in shock. My ex goes, No, wait why?! I said because I want to go. He goes, wait, do you think Im messaging a girl!? Im not! I laughed, and said no, I am just playing around. In that moment - I felt it....something was going to change....but what?

In which, I decided to drink my Triple Sec. By the final hour of the fire - we were both tensing. Not in a bad way - but finally true emotions came out. We began wrestling, kicking and pushing each other in a non-violent way [just wanna add that lol]. He began giving me crap about guys - I began giving him crap about some stupid bartender that he didnt even like.

It all just came out from there. Our roommate - was like you guys just need to kiss and makeup. This is like HS bull-shit. You two want to be together, why are you fighting it?

I looked at the stars for my answers...what was going to happen...

There's so many possibilities...and everytime he talked with me about it, I could feel the wall breaking.

This was proven by the time it was ready to head inside - he was complimenting my appearance, my attitude, joking around with me. He even tried wrapping himself around me.

I woke up in the middle of the night screaming in pain. My leg cramped and was stuck. It hurt so bad. Without even saying anything, he got next to me, put his arm around me so I could grasp it and straighten my leg. He then rubbed from my hip to my ankle til we realized, it wasnt going to help. he stayed awake til I relaxed a bit.



Overall...he said he can see me becoming the person he wanted. Someone fun, carefree....Me. So what does this mean? That once I let myself back in - we'll be golden? I thought he wanted to fix himself but yet, he seems so fascinated with me. The entire day, I felt his eyes on me. He even admitted that he had been looking at me all day/night.

Sigh...I know if I put my guard down that Im at 1000% risk of a second heartbreak.....

Music in Relation to Life

I sometimes think all our lives have a soundtrack. Everytime Im having an emotion - the radio is FULL of those songs.

When my ex-bf announced the break up. The radio every where I went was slammed with old school songs. Even my bff had them in his car. From "Icebox" by Omarion to "Mad" by Neyo. At the gym songs like "Dont worry Baby" by the Beach Boys or "Thousand Years" by Christina Perri or "She will be loved"/"I wont go home tonight" by Maroon Five and "Someone Like You" by Adele

The day I started feeling as if my ex may actually be coming back...the ENTIRE morning no joke. It was songs about that -- "Rumor has it" by Adele, "What doesnt kill you makes you stronger" by Kelly Clarkson. Even, "The man who cant be moved".

Here's my favorite lines from those songs...because the directly were related to my experiences that day.

SAD THAT IT WAS OVER....

Well its been building up inside of me
For oh I don't know how long
I don't know why
But I keep thinking
Something's bound to go wrong
But she looks in my eyes
And makes me realize
And she says "Don't worry baby"
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby

I guess I should've kept my mouth shut
When I started to brag about my car
But I can't back down now because
I pushed the other guys too far
She makes me come alive
And makes me wanna drive
When she says "Don't worry baby"
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Everything will turn out alright

Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby
Don't worry baby

She told me "Baby, when you race today
Just take along my love with you
And if you knew how much I loved youBaby nothing could go wrong with you"

The Beach Boys.


REALIZING HE MAY COME BACK.

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
The Script

UNDERSTANDING NO ONE HAS SHIT ON ME.

She, she ain't real,
She ain't gonna be able to love you like I will,She is a stranger,You and I have history,
Or don't you remember?
Sure, she's got it all,But, baby, is that really what you want?

Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds,
She made a fool out of you,
And, boy, she's bringing you down,
She made your heart melt,
But you're cold to the core,
Now rumour has it she ain't got your love anymore,

Rumour has it, rumour,

She, is half your age,But I'm guessing that's the reason that you strayed,
I heard you've been missing me,You've been telling people things you shouldn't be,Like when we creep out and she ain't around,Haven't you heard the rumours?
Bless your soul, you've got your head in the clouds,
You made a fool out of me,
And, boy, you're bringing me down,
You made my heart melt, yet I'm cold to the core,
But rumour has it I'm the one you're leaving her for,
Rumour has it, rumour,

All of these words whispered in my ear,
Tell a story that I cannot bear to hear,
Just 'cause I said it, it don't mean that I meant it,
People say crazy things,
Just 'cause I said it, don't mean that I meant it,
Just 'cause you heard it,

Rumour has it, rumour,

But rumour has it he's the one I'm leaving you for.

Weight Loss : Top 5 Foods Areas

This is my OWN opinion - it is no way considered "professional" but Ive been within the fitness industry for over 5 years.

1. FRUIT. Strawberries, bananas, grapes, oranges, acai, raspberries and so on. They are great for nails, skin, hair, eye sight, brain function, memory and taste delicious. You can eat them on top of food items, in yogurt, cereal, in salads or shakes!
2. VEGGIES. I love eggplant, carrots, lettuce [focus past Romane, which has very little nutrional value], corn, asparagus and so on. Most are great for body functions --- digestion, processing junk, eye sight, skin, nails and hair [once again]. They give you a beautiful glow as well.
3. WATER. A lot of people are so sucked into this fad of energy drinks, diet crap, soda and flavored water. Yes, some do taste good. But most really dont. Most contain some form of a fake or processed sugar. You want sugar - but you want nautral. I mean BROWN sugar at best. Settle for regular white if you have to. WATER is pure and calorie free. It flushes your system out, hydrates your entire body, satisfies quenches and keeps you fit. Even gives you less headaches if you drink enough daily. For those with dry skin or scalps [that'd be me] - drinking water, especially in the winter, slows down skin reproduction.
4. TOFU. I know this one may throw people off -- but I put you to the test. You need to try variations of tofu. Some like soggy - some like fried. Granted, Fried takes away from the health part. But, it still tastes delicious. The right marinade and you are set! I'll start posting reciepes so you can enjoy it.
5. SALADS. [[BUT BE WEARY!]] I love salads. There are SO many options! Between fresh mix or spinach or baby arugla or romane [etc] -- then adding chicken, pork, steak, tofu, seafood - or sticking to items like cheese, tomatoes, cucumbers, fruit, dried fruit and so on. The only thing you really must watch - is places like Panera or Atlantic Bread Company. Check out their nutrional facts on the sites...the amount of sodium or fat is SO intense! Watch out. Don't take on the extra calories just to 'pretend' you are eating healthy. For that - go eat a panini. ;-)

Weight loss is tricky. Especially if you work out. You have to do both to the fullest. You cant lose weight without working out - and you cant work out and expect to lose weight - if you arent eating healthy. A lot of people are afraid of counting calories but if its about shedding pounds, then you kinda have to. Losing fat - is about burning off an X amount of calories. Here's the formula

Energy In/Energy Out

Food Intake: 1,200 Per Day

One Pound equals 3,500 Calories

To loose one pound per day, You need to burn your food intake plus your one pound of fat

1,200 (intake) + 3,500 (Outtake) = 4,700 Calories Burn

Remember - calorie burning can be anything from breathing from your core, to sucking in your stomach in each doorway you go under, chewing gum, doing squats while on your cell phone or doing shoulder rotations while typing on Facebook! ;-)

 YOU CAN DO IT!

Back to the Good Stuff

Alright - so now that I vented about my life changing event. Its back to talking about the issues of losing weight and the challenges.

I started working at a gym in January 2012. This was my way back in. A free membership while working once a week [hopefully adding hours here and there]. I was excited to be around althetic, health oriented people. Aside from working with kids, this was my second favorite. PEople who excerise are drive, motivated, generally happy people. I needed that within my life.

I decided to get started right away. I started slow. I'd ride the bike for two miles - touch the treadmill at a brisk walk for 10 minutes - an eliptical for a mile or two. Then Id do free weights for my arms/sides. I did an abductor/adductor machine to work on my thighs and sides. That machine did WONDERS for me years ago when I began modeling.

Lent was soon on its way -- and I decided, my goal was "Stop the Wait for Tomorrow" Attitude I had developed. I decided Id hit the gym nearly every day. I felt weak..barely lifiting 5/10 pound free weights, doing 30pd chest presses, etc. I had certainly lost a lot of muscle and stamina.

I knew I had to change my eating habits, right away.

I was the person who could go nearly all day without eating - and not being hungry. Id force myself to have at least ONE meal. Some weeks I can clear a plate - others, Ill smell dinner and be full. Its a mental block. Food is a comfort but its a fear. I know what it does to the body. I know how it makes me feel. This can be anywere from a bad thing to a good thing.

In all honesty - I developed an eating disorder. There's no other way to say it. From high school through mid college --- I "picked" at my food like a bird, as some people would say. I took away sugar and sodas. I avoided pizza. I lost weight and stayed thin. I decided randomly to start up modeling - I had one month to slim down as much as I wanted. I was coming in around 130pds at a size 5/6. In ONE month of working out 2x a day and watching most food - and drinking a LOT of water...I got down to a size 2. Toned and little.

I only purchased one pair of pants in that size. Why? Because that number scared me. Im medium-boned and my ultimate goal is around 110/115 for my height. I stayed around that weight for a few months. Back then, I felt BIG. Really big. Granted I was super confident anyways cause I knew my jean size was great! Being that number had nearly seemed impossible. But there I was.

Back in January - when decided I needed to get back into a routine - my cousins and I decided to look back at some videos of me from 2007. A trip to Florida, I had taken with my best friend. One night - we were going clubbing with my cousin -- I had made my own video and faced the camera into the mirror. We paused the video. There I was - at a size 5, before I had begun modeling. My face was thin, my cheekbones were super profound, my collarbone was so obvious and my body was just SO skinny....I had much smaller boobs [around a B]. I looked so thin...but I didnt like it. I thought I would have liked seeing myself thin...but I looked hallow, My eyes werent glowing the way they do now.

So I know I want an inbetween....I'll aim for 130/140pds. Itll give me enough lean muscle to be toned, healthy and athletic. It'll give me enough fat to have boobs, curves and warmth ;-)

Now I just gotta get there!!

Darkest Before the Dawn

My weight has stayed off. Ive slowly introduced food back into my body - mainly thanks to a friend who noticed what is happening and doesnt want me getting sick.

I touched something I hadnt planned on til after I hit a weight loss goal. Alcohol.

I went out the following Friday of the incident, thinking Id be fine to drink. Well, after your body is used to burning everything you consume and having a pretty pure system [no soda, no caffine, no alcohol/carbs]--- it goes into shock if you change it up suddenly.

Within my first double shot drink - I was smashed. Absolutely smashed. I know it was also my adrenaline and nerves kicking in as well -- but that drunk feeling did not go away for HOURSSSS -- and it hit hard. I couldnt walk or speak half the time - Ive never been to that point. All my tolerance was gone.

Needless to say - I did not eat much over the weekend and I did not go to the gym - however I did make sure I continued to work. I needed to work. I needed my outlet. I reached for a free weight one morning and nearly passed out.  My body was at its weakest.

I woke up with daily naseau, I was constantly on edge...waiting for more bad news to come my way. I had two close calls of extremely bad news in relation to my breakup. I spent a lot of time on the phone and in front of people....fortunately - none of my bad news, became a reality.

It was officially over 3 days after he brought it up. The day we had gone to court...on the way to court, I told my friend/roommate, that tonight was the night. I felt my boyfriend was waiting to stress me out even more, after our court date. Which was exactly correct - except, he didnt come home til super late Wednesday. So, it HAD to wait because he decided to stay out yet again. Thats how I knew - he copping out. He was hiding from his choices. Which to me, is my own red flag-- he isnt confident about it because he doesnt truly mean it.

And I was right. I talked with him the next morning - and there it was. I want to live on my own - and I dont want us to be together. That hit like a ton of bricks. I sat there frozen, unmoved and unemotional. I had gone through one of the hardest weeks of my relationship with him...ALONE. I was stuck to handle all my tears, anger and sadness, ALONE. So, shit, why not just be alone????

I found my therapy within friends -- since I couldnt bring myself to turn to excersise or food I did the following:

POST BREAK UP

1. Did not work at my shop all weekend
2. Cried/Talked it out with his mom, bff in SC, bff who was at work
3. Put it on FB to make it feel more real
4. Had one of my guy friends pick me up, I almost broke down but decided, No.
5. Fed the ducks with a friend who was going through what I was, my roomie and my guy friend.
6. I laughed - a lot.
7. I vented - A LOT.
8. I said YES to nearly everything.
9. I went to my friends place with the guy and just sat in the warm sunshine and played w a pup
10. I stuck with my guns and stayed as calm around my "ex" as possible.
11. Talked with my bff in VA
12. Decided NOT to make plans with my "ex" and just relax for an evening
13. Was completely honest bout my emotional standpoint to my ex
14. I even let myself cry and cry in front of him - and he respected it.
15. I went out on a dance floor for the first time in years -- even before my ex -- single. I closed my eyes and spun around. I waved my hands all over, I wiggled, jumped and smiled. I let the music take ahold of my body, my mind, my worries and just let it go.
16. I saw a group of people I havent hung out with...like REALLY hung out with, in years.
17. I began wearing makeup daily
18. I started dressing sassier and put more effort
19. I became even more sociable at work
20. I strutted my stuff at home
21. I dyed my hair light brown/blonde - just like back in 2006 when I dealt with something similar
22. I took a movie night
23. I trusted ALL my instincts and stuck up for myself to my ex - which he respected, yet again.
24. I made a list of what I want from my life ASAP
25. I bonded with my roommate in ways I didnt expect or make an effort to
26. I planned a friends brunch...finally. ALmost saying NO due to my emotions making me sick and having the opportunity to hang with my ex...but i said NO to that. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
27. I spent my ENTIRE sunday afternoon, in the sunshine, feeling good, laughing, smiling and attempting food [I did down a glass of mimosa] with great people. I was able to vent - without feeling anything. I was able to have them relate, or change topics.
28. I brought myself Sunflowers. The first time ever buying my own flowers :)
29. I almost turned out a family outing - but thanks to a little boost from a friend - I said yes. I got cute and let them pick me up. My friend joined us. I talked more than I normally do, I smiled, laughed and joked.
30. I let myself back in.

Block in the Roadway

SO THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER -- its a present day blog. Sorry -- but I need this off my chest now.

Two Fridays ago...I had my boyfriend, decide to not come home. I had dinner waiting and plans set for the night. Around 7, he let me know he'd be having dinner at his 'usual' spot with his business partner. [male]. Around 830, he suggested he wouldnt be coming home due to 'work'. I decided to call the bluff. I was right. He said he'd be home soon -- soon to me, meant an hour, maybe two. Not four hours later. My emotions hit an all time high - I ignored my dinner. Nerves hit - was he cheating? was he out drinking? was he with another girl? I had a friend to calm my nerves and let me cry it out. Eventually....I just went to bed. I had gotten a call from him after 1am - asking to come meet him at our friends place cause he wanted to hang out. I was exhausted and mainly shocked. I didnt meet up with him - something did not feel right.

He got home eventually - drunk as a skunk - which is very unlike him. FIRST RED FLAG.
I decided to ask him what was up - he said they stayed drinking late. NEXT RED FLAG.
I asked if he knew the bartenders names. RIGHT AWAY they popped out....RED FLAG.
I asked, do you want to be single? Do you want other women? No of course not - LIE.
I decided to snoop - and found out, he had googled a translator to speak chinese to a women he found'hot'. At 6am - I woke his ass up to figure out wtf was going. He claimed it was a joke [LIE].

I was unsetteled. I spent all Saturday on HIGH STRUNG nerves. I skipped the gym. I didnt eat the entire day. I knew something was wrong...but had no idea what. He was hungover for the day - and his plans with his buiness partner fell through. He watched TV, barely speaking, for the entire day. I gave him that space and just kept to myself. He finally offered for us to hang out. I was surprised but took it.

We decided to go bowling together. We had an amazing time - which I think was a shocker to both of us. He even suggested we go to my parents house - we didnt stay too long though. I was pleasantly happy with how I felt.

Sunday -- came and went. He was gone nearly all day with sports. I had spent it with two friends running errands. I had dinner over my parents house -- but, I cant even say I had dinner. I looked at it. I moved it around and brought it home for my boyfriend.

We have had weeks of stressful landlord situations and Sunday/Monday were the pitfall of the situation. It was tearing all of us in the house into pieces and coming back for more.

I began feeling weaker, my energy level was fading...fast. I was starting to use my emotions as a block for food now. Which wasn't good because once again - it was going to affect all my progress, all my hard work. I had skipped the gym for the second day in a row.

My entire body was SCREAMING - something is wrong and you need to find out whats happening. I asked my boyfriend again if there was anything up...and he dismissed me.

MONDAY....

I decided I needed to go to the gym and get my stress out the right way, so I did. I actually started running, which felt great. Im hoping to be at a full speed within a month or so. I was watching my nephew that afternoon. My boyfriend is normally home by mid-evening, he rolled in super late again. He only briefly saw my nephew. Normally he loves seeing him, but not tonight. No enthusiasm. As soon as he got picked up, I pulled out dinner and began getting to the bottom of everything.

I knew what was coming...he was 'confused' and 'lost'. We had been in this place before, but this time, it felt different. I didnt know why, but I was going to find out.

I put down my dinner. I listened to everything he had to say. HE was 'overworked/underpaid', 'stressed with the house situation', 'needed to live alone', 'doesnt want to be in a relationship right now'. All over his face I saw his distress. This was another influence...someone convinced him this is what he needed...and not recently either. This was ongoing...but who? A girl? A business partner? A friend?..... SURVEY SAYS : A & B --- A resulted from B....who would have thought?!

I cried...Ignored food for the next week. I skipped the gym. My energy levels had plummted. Monday wasnt when I got my direct answer if this was definite. He kept saying he felt it was a mistake, so I waited it out. Which absolutely killed me...literally. I dropped ten pounds in a week.

Am I happy to see a difference on the scale? YES! Am I happy its a result of poor eating [well, not eating] and not working out? Not at all.

Am I happy its because I lost someone I deeply love? Not in the slightest.

So what happened? How am I? Where's my weight? Did I get back on track?? Keep reading.