Back to the Good Stuff

Alright - so now that I vented about my life changing event. Its back to talking about the issues of losing weight and the challenges.

I started working at a gym in January 2012. This was my way back in. A free membership while working once a week [hopefully adding hours here and there]. I was excited to be around althetic, health oriented people. Aside from working with kids, this was my second favorite. PEople who excerise are drive, motivated, generally happy people. I needed that within my life.

I decided to get started right away. I started slow. I'd ride the bike for two miles - touch the treadmill at a brisk walk for 10 minutes - an eliptical for a mile or two. Then Id do free weights for my arms/sides. I did an abductor/adductor machine to work on my thighs and sides. That machine did WONDERS for me years ago when I began modeling.

Lent was soon on its way -- and I decided, my goal was "Stop the Wait for Tomorrow" Attitude I had developed. I decided Id hit the gym nearly every day. I felt weak..barely lifiting 5/10 pound free weights, doing 30pd chest presses, etc. I had certainly lost a lot of muscle and stamina.

I knew I had to change my eating habits, right away.

I was the person who could go nearly all day without eating - and not being hungry. Id force myself to have at least ONE meal. Some weeks I can clear a plate - others, Ill smell dinner and be full. Its a mental block. Food is a comfort but its a fear. I know what it does to the body. I know how it makes me feel. This can be anywere from a bad thing to a good thing.

In all honesty - I developed an eating disorder. There's no other way to say it. From high school through mid college --- I "picked" at my food like a bird, as some people would say. I took away sugar and sodas. I avoided pizza. I lost weight and stayed thin. I decided randomly to start up modeling - I had one month to slim down as much as I wanted. I was coming in around 130pds at a size 5/6. In ONE month of working out 2x a day and watching most food - and drinking a LOT of water...I got down to a size 2. Toned and little.

I only purchased one pair of pants in that size. Why? Because that number scared me. Im medium-boned and my ultimate goal is around 110/115 for my height. I stayed around that weight for a few months. Back then, I felt BIG. Really big. Granted I was super confident anyways cause I knew my jean size was great! Being that number had nearly seemed impossible. But there I was.

Back in January - when decided I needed to get back into a routine - my cousins and I decided to look back at some videos of me from 2007. A trip to Florida, I had taken with my best friend. One night - we were going clubbing with my cousin -- I had made my own video and faced the camera into the mirror. We paused the video. There I was - at a size 5, before I had begun modeling. My face was thin, my cheekbones were super profound, my collarbone was so obvious and my body was just SO skinny....I had much smaller boobs [around a B]. I looked so thin...but I didnt like it. I thought I would have liked seeing myself thin...but I looked hallow, My eyes werent glowing the way they do now.

So I know I want an inbetween....I'll aim for 130/140pds. Itll give me enough lean muscle to be toned, healthy and athletic. It'll give me enough fat to have boobs, curves and warmth ;-)

Now I just gotta get there!!