Reality Check

The Scoop on my Love Life.

My boyfriend went three weeks or more - of covering up his feelings. Avoiding being honest about feeling I was losing myself and he hasnt happy anymore. He saught after another female - a bartender from an Uno's Bar and Grill. [always promising - barf]. He went astray. As of my knoweldge - no cheating took place. other than emotionally.

My boyfriend - became my ex within a week of that.

I dropped ten pounds, made changes and choices. He avoided me and did his own thing for the first couple of days. We live together, so night time was a bit awkard. Now - my changes are being noticed. We decided to stop purposely fighting this off and actually talk it out.

Saturday -- we didnt spend the day together but got home around the same time. He had hurt himself playing sports. I helped him out putting ointment on and letting him relax.  We decided to watch a movie with our roommate. He had gone to Chipotle with him - they brought back food for themselves. I was kinda off put since just because Im not the girlfriend, doesnt mean they cant call me and say hey, want something? But, WHATEVER. My roommate made a joke saying, "its cause you dont matter anymore". I froze...not sure how to react. My insides did nothing - but I left the room for a minute. My ex came in - looked at me, and said are you okay, he was a jerk for saying that. I said no, Im fine. It doesnt matter honestly. It threw me off that he cared though. He continued to text throughout the entire movie. [[Bartender Girl]]

Sunday -- I decided to confront him about this girl and get the scoop. Its his "venting" person. He claims he has no plans as far as she goes - shes just someone to talk with. He explained he feels as if he has to flirt when speaking to females and he feels as if he "has" to do it to move on - since he fears ill be moving on much quicker. This was at 6am.

He came clean about feeling alone. He told me he reads my Facebook and expects theres 12 dudes waiting in line to date me. It shocks me - we went our whole relationship with him RARELY glancing over my page or blogs. I decided that was all I needed to hear for the morning -- and went to work. I felt ill. I almost cried, but didnt. I decided...I needed to pull through and go to brunch with my friends. I almost canceled it - but, no. No more moving or changing for the sake of him. I went and had an amazing time - I just let myself enjoy company and reflect to who I am. I had a great day - even bought myself flowers for the first time.

He took that evening to be with his family - as did I.

When he came back - he looked distraught. Saying, everything was hitting him. Being there without me didnt feel right. He looked as if he needed to cry. I felt for him, I really did. But, this was his choice.  He either needs to stick with it or do some serious thinking. I cant keep competeing with everything his business partner says to him about me or about HIS miserable marriage.

He noticed I had gotten dolled up - yet again. He commented and showed his jealously - his mind had assumed I went on a date. I eventually explained it was a family dinner for a birthday celebration. He seemed relieved but exclaimed he couldnt stop looking at me [granted, I was wearing a lace dress/shirt].

We shared the bed that night -- not completely intentionally and it was strictly for sleeping purposes. I woke up overnight - to see him facing me. To see his face as close as possible to mine. It then hit me - he was going to coming back to me....idk how or when...but he had let his guard down.

I laid there wondering why. Why that night? THen it hit me. He didnt work or see his business partner. He had a day to himself - without me being home or without hanging with me. He got a tiny sip of what itll be like to be alone - without any of us. [Sucks doesnt it?!]. I didnt know how I felt. I thought Id be excited. Happy, even. But, Im not. I had gone through an extremely hard week. A terrifying one....by myself. He didnt call or text or give a shit.

That hurt me a lot. So now...what?! You are lonely? sad? scared? horny? bored? Must be nice.

I woke up feeling refreshed. Empowered.




Monday. we spent the afternoon/night together. I had gotten home to have him already there. I took him to the MVA and other errands with my nephew. We let it all out. We explained our fears, our dreams, our goals and our disappointments. While driving back to our house to grab something - he began laughing at me as I was singing. I kept asking why he was laughing. He goes, "cause we are going to be those friends who hang out all the time but really hate each other". I did not understand this statement at all. I looked at him and asked for an explanation.

"I hate you right now. Youre becoming the girl I fell in love with, the girl I always knew you were. Youre going to start doing everything - and now we arent together".

We talked about so much. I looked at him and said we didnt do it right - we were worried about the wrong things. He goes, "I wish we could have done everything right, then we wouldnt be here".

Thats when I realized - hes still very much in love and wanting this. Hes not ready to walk away.

Am I???


We spent the evening stopping by my parents house and having a small firepit with our roommate. He was messaging his business partner the schedule and I decided to test the water. I picked up my stuff and said, okay im leaving tihs is awkward. Both boys spun around and were in shock. My ex goes, No, wait why?! I said because I want to go. He goes, wait, do you think Im messaging a girl!? Im not! I laughed, and said no, I am just playing around. In that moment - I felt it....something was going to change....but what?

In which, I decided to drink my Triple Sec. By the final hour of the fire - we were both tensing. Not in a bad way - but finally true emotions came out. We began wrestling, kicking and pushing each other in a non-violent way [just wanna add that lol]. He began giving me crap about guys - I began giving him crap about some stupid bartender that he didnt even like.

It all just came out from there. Our roommate - was like you guys just need to kiss and makeup. This is like HS bull-shit. You two want to be together, why are you fighting it?

I looked at the stars for my answers...what was going to happen...

There's so many possibilities...and everytime he talked with me about it, I could feel the wall breaking.

This was proven by the time it was ready to head inside - he was complimenting my appearance, my attitude, joking around with me. He even tried wrapping himself around me.

I woke up in the middle of the night screaming in pain. My leg cramped and was stuck. It hurt so bad. Without even saying anything, he got next to me, put his arm around me so I could grasp it and straighten my leg. He then rubbed from my hip to my ankle til we realized, it wasnt going to help. he stayed awake til I relaxed a bit.



Overall...he said he can see me becoming the person he wanted. Someone fun, carefree....Me. So what does this mean? That once I let myself back in - we'll be golden? I thought he wanted to fix himself but yet, he seems so fascinated with me. The entire day, I felt his eyes on me. He even admitted that he had been looking at me all day/night.

Sigh...I know if I put my guard down that Im at 1000% risk of a second heartbreak.....