Column A or Column B?

So...it has been almost a solid three weeks since we officially broke up. A lot has happened...and this is probably the most honest Im going to be about the situation. Mainly because this computer cant/wont judge me.

Im going to do this in question/answer format because it should prevent me from ranting/blabbing.

1. Am I happy?
• Yes. I have seen friends that I have not in a long time. Im finally just doing things without worrying if Jimmy is going to be at home alone or bored or doing things I dont like. My nights can go longer because I want them to - and not because I stopped them short due to Jimmy's lack of energy or willingness to do stuff.
2. Am I still friends with Jimmy?
• Yes. I wanted this from the kick off. Except, now its different. I wanted a friendship to begin with because I was afraid of loosing him in my life. I wanted to grasp onto anything I could. Now. I want this still but strictly for the sake of him being a good friend of mine. I think I make a fantastic friend to him [if not more importantly, potential girlfriend] and I'd like to prove this.
3. Do I have feelings for him?
• Yes. Most definitely. Ive been around him for four years. I could never just walk away and say "f you". [Unless of course he slept with someone else or something to that extreme]. Which from what I know [and all I care to know at this point] is that he did not. Im seeing him in a new light. He loves women - he loves to look at them at least. I need to accept that fantasy is apart of most men's lives. It happens. Now, I dont feel angry or jealously or a lack of confidence. I love who he is - I love his vibrancy. I love him.
4. Have I moved on?
• No. Ive started to - Ive found ways to really bring myself past the sorrow of losing him as my boyfriend. The back of my mind still tells me there's still something there, but I see us battling that emotion to the death. I think we are both trying to prove something...to ourselves, each other, the world.
5. Have I been intimate with Jimmy?
• Yes - three times. [not going into details though] Each time was great and fun. It involved no normal emotion of ours, which is great. Each thing we did was different each time and I know this could go a lot of ways....but don't read into too much. Intimate means a lot of different things.
6. Have I been intimate with anyone else?
• Yes. It took me a good week to finally step it up and let it just happen. The first time [actually almost every time] was in Annapolis...downtown...and it was a bit unnerving. I wasnt ready but I knew I needed it. [ONCE AGAIN DO NOT READ INTO THE WORD INTIMATE lol] After that - it became a bit easier and more fun. Overall - the thought of being single is still freaky as shit ...but the way Im doing it right now is just right. I dont feel pressured to take things anywhere or go too far with anyone.
7. Was it something that made me happy?
• Yes. It felt great to be able to express emotion in any type of phyiscal emotion - NOT with Jimmy. I dont mean that in a bad way, but with Jimmy, if Im emotionally physical - ill be mind f------ myself. I cant handle that right now. It felt good to not be sad or think of him while with another guy. It felt great to have someone tilt my head, hold my cheek, stroke my face, kiss my forehead...and mean it. [Not saying Jimmy didnt - just saying in general - to have someone still want to give me that cute, happy pleasure].
8. Have I seen Jimmy move on or be with anyone else?
• No. I got a glimpse of his original attempt with bartender girl. It backfired and his friend/business partner swept in and stole her...although he's not in any situation to do so. but then again, thats where Jimmy's bad influence would be coming in. ANYWAYS - from what I understand...he has not physically or emotionally let anyone in. I think he wanted that...but now has backed away from it. HE's mainly in contact with male friends from the past. Unfortunately - I think what he is realizing...is they moved forward.I think 99% of them - minus his business partner - are now married, engaged, in a serious relationship, living with their partner, have or expecting kids. Literally all of them....I dont think he was expecting that. I think he was expecting for things to revert back. The younger ages, the random slutty/hot chicks around, the late night partying, living in a college town, going out a lot....Its kinda like, hey dude, youre 28 years old. You need to start figuring your shit.

So...Do I like the single Life? Yes and No.
Would I trade it? YES! I'll take a commited, happy relationship any day.

But til then...I'll live it up and enjoy the free kisses ;-)