They Cant Hold Us Down

In honor of Jimmy earning his master's license - I decided to get as many of our/his friends together and go celebrate with some drinks and dinner. I planned it about 3 weeks in advance - inviting over 40 people - knowing, only a quarter of that would probably show up. Which is no problem - people have families, kids, work, etc.

I made sure to keep reminding him of when and where it was taking place. He marked it on his calendars and was in complete agreement - even picking where he wanted to go. [Olive Garden]

The week of - he announces he has to cancel the dinner. I was a bit off-put. I asked why, he explained he just gotten word that the rehearsal dinner for one of the guys' wedding was that afternoon. I told him the dinner wasnt til 8 bc I assumed he worked late and would want to relax...so he'd be able to do both. He agreed and we left it at that.

The day - I was to pick him up early enough from work for him to get his tux, go to dinner then go out with all of us. Well...he worked two hours later than expected. While we were in Annapolis - he got a phone call from one the guy telling him he needs to be there. Jimmy went into complete meltdown mode. He got super frustrated and angry. He still needed to get his tux, he then wanted a hair cut and a shave and we still had to get home to the puppies. I was getting frustrated because I expected to have these few hours to take care of pups, dye my hair, shower and get ready.

He ended up lying to his friend, saying we were just leaving Baltimore. In the mean time - he went in to get his tux - I texted his friend for him - asking was it that serious that he be there. He said he'd fill him in. His friend responded with a frustrated comment - which then put Jimmy back into guilt mode. Jimmy finished with the tux, which he ended up hating and said it was a faggish looking outfit. Poor kid. We then headed downtown to have my business neighbor get him all sexy looking. I took that time to empty the shop...an HOUR later, he finished. He still looked super stressed.

I got us back to our place - he showered and got changed up. Halfway through me getting ready - he says hes taking the car [mind you, its 720pm - dinner is at 8]...to go drive from Bowie to Arnold to go see the guys bc he was being made to feel guilty.

NOW FOR THE RECORD: I do not fault the guy friends for being upset. He knew he needed to get the suit - and he forgot. He had all week to get his hair trimmed and face shaved. Which essentially is what made him completely miss the dinner. Yea work ran late - but he still would have been there only an hour late. He also chose to lie to the guys about where he was.  ON THE OPPOSITE side - I dont fault Jimmy completely. Hes the most scatterbrained guy EVER. He puts no one else first and his priorities are his own. We were by Men's Wearhouse REPEATEDLY over the week. He also had random chances to go get his hair/face taken care of - or just skip it completely. Working late - is not his fault. He owns a business and it would have been fucked up of him to dip out on his BP in the middle of a big house project. And Im sorry - but how do you plan a rehearsal dinner THE WEEK OF?! Oh thats right you DONT....its done way in advance...oh right, but you choose to not tell your groomsman? OH THE FORGETFUL one at that...oh wait...and THE ONE YOU DIDNT EVEN ASK TO BE IN YOUR WEDDING UNTIL WE FUCKING BROKE UP....Right...that one. GOOD FOR YOU...jackass.

Regardless - Jimmy left. We agreed to meet up by 815. He came by 830 - we had a small tiff on the phone bc I didnt want him to feel guilted into staying with the guys. Apparently it wasnt the case - they talked with him up front and he left.

Dinner went okay - a lot of people didnt come due to how late dinner was or the weather turning shitty. He filled us all in about the guys - and afterwards - I took over driving and we headed to Edgewater. On the way there - he explained he needed to be back by midnight. I looked at the clock - it was already 10pm. I sighed, and said okay. He got offended. I explained I had every right to be bummed out. He didnt tell me when the wedding was - and HE agreed to the date of the dinner weeks ago. I WASNT INVITED TO THE WEDDING - why would I know the date? He didnt even have it marked in his work calendar. He then, had the audacity, to tell me - that I did this on purpose. That I made it so he'd have to bail on the rehearsal dinner. I was like uhh....I didnt affect your working hours OR the fact that  Im not psychic and suddenly able to predict when the rehearsal dinner would be. I started crying...I was so offended. I had busted my ASS for him. I asked him who gave him that idea....the guys? He told me to fuck myself and cancel the night - and to go home. NOT THIS TIME. NOT ANYMORE. No longer are you going to pull the cards and tell me what the fuck to do because YOU feel guilty.

I talked it out with him. He let it go - and said the guys just made him feel awful about missing out. I explained that he couldnt really blame them but at the same time - Jimmy should have been up front with his friend the DAY he was told about the rehearsal dinner - and explained he had made prior commitments with his other friends. He said he felt as if he could make no one happy...well its not about that. Its about being HONEST with both sides of friends.

I cant even explain how many texts and phone calls i overhear - of them putting me down. Telling him to "upgrade from me" "at least shes good for something"...its insulting. He says, no matter he says - it wont change. But of course - he doesnt tell them that hes still in love, that he admits it, that I sleep there every night - that we are still involved - that he spends hsi FREE time with me...all the time.

He started complain about having none of his friends care about him - or his passions. Except me. He said, its awesome that you care but no one else does. I then told him this was my way of showing him support - planning a fun night for him. To celebrate - 9 years of super hard work. He goes, I dont need dinners or parties - just knowing that you support me, thats what I need.

I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW GOOD THAT FELT TO HEAR.

I cant imagine his thoughts or feelings...it was supposed to be a fun, lowkey, relaxing night -- and it turned into a guilt fest, rushing around, and getting shit on by his friends.


At least I know...Im a friend to him. He's got some good friends through me and through himself -- yet, he puts too much emphasis on the ones that honestly - dont give a fuck about him.

The Booth to the Right

On Wednesday Night...Jimmy and I took the evening to just be home and relax. I had the longest day ever...and just needed to unwind. We ended up watching random movies on tv, relaxing and talking. He even worked on his comedy bit for awhile. Before we knew it - it was past 2am. I decided to head to bed - soon to be joined by him. A super amazing intimate moment took place...[no details on this blog] and it was perfect in any way you could describe it. From the looks to the kissing to the connection. It was all there - no holds bar. I stayed awake later then he did - thinking about it. Right as I turned off the lights - his hand grabbed mine. He held it the entire night - even when I'd turn over or move my hand - he'd come find it. By morning - he was snuggled up and stayed that way. His alarms went off - he even came back in bed for more snuggling.

THAT MORNING:

Jimmy and I took the morning to get court related issues handled. We agreed upon going to The Breakfast Shoppe to enjoy his 'last meal' before the potential of going to jail because of his license issue. Over breakfast - we talked about a bunch of random things.

Ultimately - it led to a conversation about our relationship.

He told me - if I was to ask him back out - he'd possibly say yes. He also said, he was afraid things would change...in general terms - he claimed I may not stay as 'cool' as I am now or that we'd have to force ourselves to move in again. I explained I wanted the opposite. It'd be best to not live together again - not until we fully decide to commit. He commented, "You basically already do". I nodded - since every night...minus maybe 2 or 3 instances where he just didnt come home - We've spent the night together. I also explained - its different because he's now "purchased" all our old shared furniture or my old stuff. Everything that physically belongs to me - other than some clothes - is at my mom's place.

I told him - nothing of mine 'lives' there, for the sheer reasoning of..we dont know where we are right now.

I brought up our intimacy from the night prior. Explaining - he kissed me for a good fifteen straight minutes...and in such a way - that people in passionate love would kiss. He nodded and said he felt that too. The connection between us has been so hard to grasp and understand.

My head was starting to swirl...questioning everything we had been doing.

I called him out.  Explaining he chose to use his 'relaxation methods' as an excuse to make a move and take things somewhere. He laughed and said, he knows. I told him its something I can see past. Something I wish he wouldnt feel necessary, but at the same time, its half a compliment - half an insult.

We enjoyed our breakfast - barely surviving it.

I lightly joked about the fact that he had been so cute and intimate with me overnight and into today. He just kinda laughed and made a silent note of it.

Court went well - we decided to see his mom afterwards. It was my Dad's birthday - and we were doing crabs and porkchops for dinner. He had already mentioned he was exhausted and needed a nap - but for some reason - he said he'd definitely go. We even went back to get the pups and he played some MLB. He was extremely talkative and enjoyed being around my whole family.

It gave me the twinge of pain - realizing....this is what I want. Happy moments, memories and someone to be there alongside of me. We stayed pretty late - til it was time to go to watch the Finals game at our place.

We got in - and flipped between video games and the Finals. I was pretty exhausted though...I stayed up texting with a few friends. Then decided to crash early - he kept peeking over at me.


The love is there...but what to do now....

I dont want to break your heart - want to give your heart a break

The other night - a girlfriend of mine was over my ex's place -- and her and I decided to get into a pretty heated discussion about dating, men and some issues that had been arising. None related to my ex. Regardless- he found it funny to try and listen in - and interject. I explained to him that it probably wasnt a good idea to listen in. He didnt care - he found it funny. We played around with him but were still deep in conversation.

In the midst of me explaining a situation - where I was telling a guy what I would do IF I had a boyfriend - and what behaviors would change [ie. hanging around and staying the night with jimmy EVERY night]. He snapped around so fast - he told us "to fucking knock that shit off". We both stopped and looked up at him. I asked him what the issue was - he goes, "I dont want to hear any talk about future boyfriends or how someone can become or what they need to do". I twisted my face - because that was NOT what the conversation was about - and I made sure he understood. He had just spent the past 20 minutes trying to nosey into a conversation - constantly asking who and what I was talking about.

I told him he shouldnt be assuming OR eavesdropping. He responded with - he doesnt want to hear that shit in his house - he told me, if it was reversed id be offended. I started laughing out loud - saying nothing but, okay...but in my head.... HA...

Oh fuck you. SERIOUSLY?! If this was REVERSED?!?! Oh...because nearly getting cheated on - if your business partner didnt end up dating the girl you THOUGHT liked you...isnt fucked up? 


Having to find out --- your late night "meetings" with Josh - were really you guys flirting with two lame-ass bartenders at Unos?


Realizing - you have an addiction to women but yet, and now that you are single, you do nothing about it????


Having you chase me around for three months - once im halfway out the door - you reassure me and beg me back in? You ask me to come out with friends constantly, always want to hang out, watch sports, go out to eat, cuddle etc?!


Having to hear all about your first month as a single guy, and every attempt you made to pick up various bartenders, or when you took shots with a girl the night your friends purposely ditched a group of us? Although...For some reason all attempts crashed and burned.


To see that you were sitting on singles websites and links nearly weeks after we broke up. To have you say - you dont even do that anymore.


For you to have me join you to Egypt - confessing your love for me, telling me how hard this is and wanting to be with me - thats not confusing or anything.


For you to make plans and trips for us....


For you to take to bed NO ONE but me...and yet, we are just "friends". 


To have you move into your own place...making sure it was clear that this was your place and not mine - but to only have you let me stay each night. To have you constantly make plans with couples we know - and YOU plan it out, YOU invite me. To have you tell your family and Grandma, "we moved" "we'll be there" "we we we we we we WE WE W-E!". To have you call or text me saying "our house" "our place" "OURS US WE"


YOURE RIGHT...if ONLY the tables were turned. 


You'd never survive. 






Needless to say - he was fuming for the remainder of the finals. Our girlfriend headed out - I turned around as soon as I closed the door and glared at him. Saying - how dare he throw something in my face that he didnt even HEAR! He said he didnt want to talk about it -- I didnt give a shit. I texted him a long thing explaining that - I have no forced need for us to be together, that this whole friends thing is easy until he starts pulling cards like "ive wanted to ask you out 18x".  I went to bed furious.

He stayed pretty flipping bitter...to the point of that evening - he almost totally kicked me off driving duty and staying over. I could feel it. He was blaming me for things that werent my fault - aka. losing all his identification. His business partner had called on Friday after work - AFTER, I had been driving him around -- and to hear him say, Oh chanel knows where it is. I almost stopped the car.

I glared at him til he hung up - he exclaimed to Josh that I had heard him. I looked at him and told him fuck you - fuck you for all this shit. Im busting my ASS to help, drive, be around and take care of what needs to be done. Im not sitting for this shit. He said his brain was doing it and he couldnt help it. I refused to speak to him for the next hour - which drove him nuts - he started apologizing and blubbering in Target. I just walked around by myself..I didnt feel the need to hear him.

By the time we met up - we made up. We watched tv and hung out for the night... and enjoyed everything else ;-)


If this isnt the craziest love story you all have ever read...then IDK what is. 

How to Love

So I survived this past weekend. Turns out, Faith was on my side last weekend. Literally - hours after posting my last blog and tearing up a bit - then venting to a friend of mine. I got the news that the OC trip was canceled due to one of them having to work. I was in shock...honestly. I found out on my own - later having it confirmed through Jimmy. So strange...but makes me wonder, if there's more im going to be bracing myself for.

That night - we joined my friend - and another - for drinks and the game. After leaving - he asked if I wanted to maybe go to OC together since the guys werent going. I was pretty stoked. He said if we found someone for the pups - we could look into it. That made me happy - but it also made me wonder if he would even tell the guys that.

He of course - wanted to triple check the fact that the trip was indeed canceled. Bryant offered to go drinking one weeknight and Mark had offered them to chill for the Finals. For whatever reason, he never saw them. He asked me to watch the game with him all 3 times - saturday, tuesday and thursday. I even pryed to see if he'd go see them...but no bite. Interesting.

The next day - I dropped him off at work - and brought up the OC thing. The tables had flipped. He actually got MAD at me for even assuming we'd be going to OC. I stared at him blankly - saying HE asked me...not the other way around. He said that it was a MAYBE and that he wasnt sure if he wanted to go with me. I got offended...he'll do EVERYTHING and ANYTHING else...but not take a trip. Immediately - I got defensive and assumed it had everything to do with the guys finding out he took me to OC. He was even MORE upset that I'd think that - which to me...means thats exactly what it is. TOUGH SHIT. Maybe one of them will read this blog one day and realize all the things he hides from them...which is sad, they should respect him enough [but hey, we've been going through this for four years]

Anyways - he later cooled his rockets about it. We spent a very exciting night together ;-) Its amazing what game chairs can be used for.

That fight put on edge for the week however - every day we literally bickered about ANYTHING we could think of. I think we feel each other drifting closer - and its not okay. We arent ready for it. Especially since he came out with the fact that he's wanted to ask me back out.

Monday we fought about the fact that one of our pups - peed on my foot, so I went to rinse it off. He thought I was hopping in the shower before him [which was never an issue before IF i was taking one] and said this was HIS place and he was to use it FIRST. I was severely off put by this. We had gone back 3 years and were back to when we first moved in together... "this is MINE" "MINE MINE MINE". It was as if he had turned into a 3 year old...I let it brush off cause honestly - get over yourself. Half the furniture in this place - as always - is MINE but hmm, interesting how youre still free to use it. [for now] --- hours later he was asking me to play video games and hang out with him.

Tuesday - was a rough one. He ended up having no work that morning - so we took our pups out and about - and enjoyed breakfast together. We came back to start organizing. As we were cleaning - he made fun of me saying my kids would learn nothing from me. I shot back - with everything cool that you know is because of me. He asked what I meant - I said, well technology, social media and marketing were things he had never heard of til we dated and he met people I knew. For some reason - this set him off. He assumed I was calling him stupid and that he'd never learn those things for himself. When -- really I was just saying - I motivated and led him into a certain direction. Which, is obvious...but...he took it completely wrong and literally stormed out. I took time to myself, cleaning and a girlfriend came by and talked it out with me. She said she thinks Jimmy may be getting scared realizing a lot of good stuff came from the relationship - on both ends. She's probably right. He came home - in a much better mood - even though the weather was shitty. He got to drive himself around. He was super friendly- even made me dinner and we watched the game together.

Wednesday was smooth - we spent the evening together.

Thursday...man oh man was this interesting.  Im going to make this its own blog though....

Regardless...I survived the weekend. My next goal - is to survive the wedding...Mark is finally getting married. Jimmy told me tonight - Mark is trying to hook him up with one of the bridesmaids but hes not interested at all.  Apparently the only way he's hooking up with an asian - let alone another person, is if shes porn star material [sigh...figures]. His reaction - to my reaction was interesting - he came over and hugged me, telling me itd all be okay. I have nothing to worry about - he doesnt hook up at weddings nor is he interested in being hooked up by someone. We'll see...

Rumor Has it

So all in all - im moving along with things easily. I shed the tears and made the excuses - now I am a bit more confident in how Im going to play along with everything. Ill admit - it hasnt been the most fun Ive had but it also hasnt been very hard either.

I feel its because overall, Im happy. Ive been wanting to feel happy. I spent four years - baby-ing someone who never needed that - always trying to fix things because thats what he was used to. When really - he never deserved that. He deserved to be treated as an adult - who can find his own mistakes and choose to fix them as he will. 

Now - I can have him tell me about his issues and I dont feel the 100% need to fix and help. Instead, I listen, take it in and give advice when he asks or when I feel appropriate. Im finally removing myself and my emotions from my advice. His problems arent about me - they may affect me, but they are not about me. Thats something Ive needed to learn. 

Last night - he told me about a trip to OC with the two guys - my "favorite people", as he described. Im still shocked to never hear the other guy's name when they all go out. Very ironic - but thats not what we are here for this time. Regardless - immediately a twinge of pain overcame me. 

OC - he hasnt been there in years. The last time was all of us together for New Years, and prior to that, with his friends and their gfs/fiances. OC - the land of young, horny, recently graduated seniors. For a 28 year old who is recently single - who loves women/girls [any age] - and well, loves to stare - this is paradise for a weekend. For a 24 year old who is recently single - who seems to have deep rooted emotions - who, gets anxious --- this is a nightmare. 

He isnt my boyfriend - I have no say over his choices or lifestyle. I am okay with that. The tough part for me - is knowing hes surrounded by two guys who absolutely despise the thought of him and I - even on friend terms. To know - their intentions is to get me hurt and to walk away. To decide that - well, he did ____ and now Im out of here. Its a fucked up intention - but there's no shockers when it comes to these two guys.

Last night - I cried. To myself - he noticed. I explained how hard it was - to realize this could be our breaking point. That my emotions are 1000% on the line again - awaiting the response from him next Sunday, if he in fact sexually moved in on another person. Thats got to be the most painful thing to have someone tell you. I told him he'd never understand how I felt. 

Turns out...he did.

He asked me, "Do you realize how it felt to have guys always want to sleep with you while I was with you?". I said nothing. I knew how strongly that used to set him off...the one drunken night he literally got in his car, drove drunk to his parents place and wouldnt speak to me for two days - when he found out a friend of ours had put a move on me. He hated it - and he dealt with it four years.

I told him I didnt think he understood how I was feeling because he has no feelings for me and is no longer attracted to me. He just stared at me - I was wrong. He told me, of course he has feelings - they arent going anywhere. He said, he's been trying to keep them away so we can work on being friends. He said its hard not to want to cuddle when someone is right there. I wasnt going to ask him this - but I did...

" Have you even once thought about getting us back together since the break up?"

"Yes a lot of times actually"

Im not sure how I feel - obviously somewhere inside, Im happy...but then...on the outside, im heartbroken all over again.

This is like a never ending battle.

We both want independence, we both want to find fun/sexual comfort in someone else - yet, we keep surrounding ourselves with each other. We seem to enjoy our company - but dont want to admit it to others - let alone ourselves. Yet, the people who are around us - say they see it more and more.

I told him he shows me hes confused all the time - cause once we have a good day - a shield goes up and he shuts me out. When his friend Mark came in the room to the new place - he talked to me as if I was nearly nothing. When Bryant was at our old place - he ignored me. He said he has to do that. He has to make appearances. I dont get any of it...at the end of the day.

He said, "I barely showed my emotions when we were together". I said, "youre showing them way more now, and it throws me off"

He agreed.


So...I feel like - even if he doesnt tell his BP {business partner} or the trio of assholes... ITs there. He still is in love - hes still attracted and he wants us to be back together. I feel as if - even if I dont allow myself to believe it - Im still in love, Im very attracted and Id like us to figure out a way to be back together.


But...next weekend will change a lot. If he goes and nothing happens - awesome. I'll breathe easier and I'll be relieved that I dont need to spend a week sick to my stomach and feeling gross about myself. But - then, ill start to question whats going on...whenever we talk, I say "lets go to YOUR place" or "hey im going to JIMMYS"...if HE talks, "ill see you at OUR place", "so and so is by OUR place", "WE are going home". When he is the phone - its always "us" or "we"...no longer is he referring to himself singled out.

If he goes - and something does happen. I see myself being emotionally distraught. It'll bring back the memories of the bachelor party these same boys joined him in and changed our relationship - granted it made us stronger and essentially pushed the boys away....but we were a couple at that point. Now...IDK. He said if he sleeps with someone [or vice versa] - we both know itll be meaningless and most likely not enjoy it past the thought of it being a one night stand. I was a bit surprised to hear that from him....but I am not sure how I'll feel. As of now - I see little tears...but a lot of heartache.

I put myself in this position - I allowed myself to try and date, move on and go away too fast, too soon. Now, Im nearly back to square one - of being vulnerable. I hope to be writing just over a week from now - with good news...But...it is what is. Here's to hoping. 

Boyfriend Application Requirements

Here is my "List". I never thought Id make one of these but now I know why they exist. This may seem snobby or rude...but Im tired of running through the same f____ issues with men. GET OVER YOURSELVES and MAN UP!

1. Must Love Dogs. 
• Now, I dont mean, you can tolerate a cute little puppy. I mean, you must LOVE dogs. My boys are everything to me. If you wont play or let them snuggle next to you on a couch or let them come in the car for rides or outings or you dont understand that concept of them coming first and not being in a crate - THEN GET TO STEPPING. 
2. If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything - Marilyn Monroe
• I need to laugh. Smiling and laughing are two of my best qualities and I want them brought out often! Life is too hard and complicated to always be miserable. If you cant be yourself around me and goof around - then DONT LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS.
3. Prince Charming didnt wait for destiny to kick in - he manned up!
• Dont propose on our first - or even 10th date. That is, unless you honestly feel that its meant to be. Otherwise, slow your roll and know your place. Im not diamond chasing or gold digging. Im perfectly content with waiting for all the major commitments. NOW, with that said, do not let 8 years come and go - without even THINKING, that you need to put a ring on it. Otherwise - TO THE LEFT, TO THE LEFT [Beyonce puns lol]
4. I dont mind hobbies - but I do mind when they are more important than your actual girlfriend...at all times.
• You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine You make me take off my shoes before you let me get in I can't believe you kiss your car good night C'mon baby tell me - you must be jokin', right! Okay, so you've got a car That don't impress me much So you got the moves but have you got the touch Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night - Shania Twain
5. My Humps and My Lovely Lady Lumps.
• Okay fellas - this one is a doozy. I overall - pretty content with my body. I expect you to be the same...and IF you are, awesome. BUT - in public - dont smack my ass constantly, dont nip-twist me and dont expect to dry hump me. Thats HS bullshit and Im not having it. Next - Do not sit there and ask me to send you 'nude' photos - cause you wont get them. I think its overall stupid and im not about it. MAINLY - because you dicks decide to share them or use them AFTER we've broken up. Ive never had this happen [BECAUSE IM NOT DUMB ENOUGH TO SEND THEM] but Ive seen it happen to close friends. Now - once we are definitely dating - ill send you fun teases and whatnot. Sure. 
6. "if you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends" - Spice Girls "wannabe"
• IDK What the Spice Girls were smoking - but I want the EXACT opposite. Yes, I want you to get along with my friends [girls and guys]. But here's what I dont want or appreciate. If you've slept with more than 45% of my girlfriends - the slutty ones not considered - then GET UP OFF OF MY BED and out the door. I dont want you sexting them or requesting photos or making out with them while expecting to make out with me. If you find my friends attractive - GREAT, I probably do too. But, if you intend or have thoughts about them - then, id MUCH rather hook you two up - then deal with your immature self. 
7. Haters are going to Hate. Players are Going to Play. Ballers they going to ball. Shot callers they going to call. - 3LW
• A cheater is a cheater. Plain and Simple. If I figure out or ask about your track record - Im sorry but I will judge you. I wont misjudge you but I most certainly will watch my ass at all times. Drama is not apart of my life - once I feel it out - I literally kick and block you out or whomever starts it. I have a lot of ex-boyfriends/flings and tons of friends - I dont expect you to like everyone but I do expect R-E-S-P-E-C-T to not just me - but all of them. Now granted - if someone steps out of line - then go for it. Otherwise - chill your nerves and realize - Im with YOU, not them. I make my own judgements and decisions - no matter how persuasive some people can be.
8. Guy Friends are Here to Stay.
• Ive had close guy friends since Elementary School - literally. Now - Ive learned that there needs to be a cut off to how 'close' they become or how often they should be around - and WHEN to be around. REGARDLESS - at the end of the day, those are my boys. I dont care if they are strictly a friend or a near second brother or someone Ive slept with/dated - they arent going anywhere. I wont put them above you or act as if they have 'seniority' over you - because thats not true. My boyfriends are pretty high up in my book. If this is an issue - then grab your tissue - and see you on the flip side.
9. Blood is Thicker then Water.
• My family is crazy. Shit is always all over the place and drama lives here. My brother is super chill - my sister is wild [and pretty attractive - most of the time] - my parents are super super friendly but they are parents nonetheless. I want a guy who is going to enjoy being around family, being around for most holidays and sitting through each family member. If family is not your thing - then PLEASE PLEASE step away now. NEXT - I may bitch and moan about things that happen or people within my family - but that is MY place. If I even hear you curse or put down someone in my family - without FULL reasonable cause - Ill probably knock your jaw. Its almost as if that kid saying "no one can push my brother around but me". Same shit here. Dont mess with my family. LAST - If you find my sister attractive or my mom - good for you. Feel free to point it out once or twice - otherwise SHUT the fuck up and keep your thoughts to yourself. If you cant seem to get over it - then GOODBYE. Im not even going to say - try it out - cause if you are trying to get with me...then I know DAMN well - they arent interested. We are all very opposite - but very keyed into one thing - you mean can be dogs and pigs...and lets face it, Im the dragon of the family. 
10. Bros before Hoes. Im down but guess what...im not a FUCKING HOE.
• I totally understand the Bro Code - f___ I think I nearly invented it. I want you to have you guy time - I dont care if its chilling at a bar or playing video games all night or smoking the reef or kicking back with some beers. KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF. What YOU need to understand - is that I dont need to be included in all your plans or told every f___ detail of your night. What I DO expect - is to be told that youve got plans in general, that you arent double booking shit then blaming me for it, to remember and act as if you do have a girlfriend, and for you to keep your promises - and if you cant/dont - let me know ASAP. Charge your f___ phone, answer your texts and tell the FUCKING TRUTH. Then Im straight. But the shit flys both ways... I expect to go out with and without you - I expect to have my friend time solo AND with you. If I wanted to be alone all the fucking time - id be single, got it?

So...all in all. If you can handle a guys girl but a sex kitten - then Im your lady. If you enjoy sex just as much as MOST men should [youd be surprised] - then we are golden. If you enjoy social drinking and perhaps a bit more - then we'll be the life of the party. If you love puppies and respect animals - I'll love you forever. If you know how to treat people, family and women - then Ill respect you for life. If you have goals, dreams and morals - ill bring you into mine.


Im super opinionated, I stand up for what I believe in, I enjoy being HAPPY but I do cry a lot, I can talk on the phone for hours but Im not really a phone person. I am a hopeless romantic - wanting everything Frank Sinatra and Usher sing about [love them both - frequently refer to them as my boyfriends].

I LIKE/LOVE:

God. Music. Movies. Animals. Traveling. Apple Juice. [Juice in general]. Sex. Cuddling. Making Out. Dancing. Singing in the Car. Singing in the Shower. Bubbles/Bubble Baths. Makeup. Seeing friends. Being Social. Celtics. Orioles. Steelers. Capitals. Social Media. Old School Video Games. Orange and Grape Soda. Amish Market. walking downtown. Feeding ducks. Horseback Riding. PUPPIES! Playing and Watching Sports. Learning new things. Firepits. Trips to the Beach. Swimming Pools. Changing my hair color. 

IF YOU ARE:

A LIAR. CHEATER. DRUG DEALER. HEAVY DRUG USER. ALCOHOLIC. SEX ADDICTED. PORN ADDICTED. OPEN MOUTH CHEWER. NON BELIEVER IN GOD. NOT INTO OR AWARE OF MOST SPORTS. LAZY. RUDE. ABUSIVE. CANT HANDLE A WOMAN BEING MORE SUCCESSFUL. ARE TRYING TO FULFILL FANTASIES or GET THROUGH a "list" OF certain WOMEN. DONT LIKE FOOD. DONT LIKE SOCIAL SITUATIONS. IN A BRO-LOVE Relationship. 

....THEN GET THE FUCK OFF THIS PAGE AND OUT OF MY LOVE/SEX/ROMANTIC LIFE.

Two Months!

Here we are! Ive made it two months!! Here's a question and answer to show how I am holding up!

1. Are you happy?
• I am very happy.  Ive learned a lot about myself to the point where I am respecting myself. Not just with Jimmy - but even certain friends. I dont feel obligated to say yes or to explain myself or to do things that I dont feel comfortable with. I have more changes ahead of me and I am taking things one day a time. Im helping others - which makes me happy. I am doing it for me - not for just the sake of making others happy with me.
2. Do you still get sad?
• Sure. It depends on the moments - when making out with someone, it hurt me a bit because I realized how much I longed for companionship. But I dont want to settle. Then I wondered, will I ever find that special someone? Other times - its when Im in a 'moment' that Id be in normally with Jimmy - as his girlfriend. He had cousins/relatives visit - and it brought back memories - I actually ended up leaving early because it was overwhelming. Fortunately - he's always willing to listen to me - which is great because it helps me to let it all out. I do miss being with him in a sensual sense - I loved having him as a boyfriend - and as someone I can always go to...but, ultimately - he's still that for me. 
3. Have you cried at all?
• Oh of course. Its me...I cry about everything. Its healthy. I cried when I thought I could be pregnant - then when I found out I wasnt. I cried when I felt he ditched me for friends and lied about it. I cried when I realized a close friend of mine lied to me about something he shouldnt have. I cried at the thought of Jimmy moving away with my pups - when I moved my stuff out - when I helped Jimmy move....I just cry. :) 
4. Hows your 'friends' status with Jimmy?
• Its becoming more of the friend level now. Before we were both kind of confused. We treated each other like we were dating - and still fought out the break  up. Now, Im able to finally say, FUCK YOU about the way he went about the break up and he can hear it. His guy friends dont make it any easier, however. They constantly give him grief - and hes always covering up to them. At first, I was put off by this. I felt it was a huge sign of disrespect towards me. I didnt appreciate knowing that Ive done everything and anything for him - but bc they dont like me [mainly Bryant] - he has to lie and act as if Im just a driver. Its pretty annoying - some days, I just want to call each guy and be like THIS IS HOW IT IS! And just put it out there that we see each other daily, that we are still super intimate - all of Jimmy's choice, that we dont just see each other on days that Im driving or helping...that he talks with me about them, business, life and more.         Its nice because its as if we are having the best of both worlds - we have the freedom to make all decisons for ourselves but still a respect, to keep each other in the loop and be there for each other. We've had some glitches...and unfortunately all relate to his guy friends. But....they always disappear on him after awhile...so Im sure itll come soon. 
5. Is it becoming something more?
• No. Not that Im aware of. Hes still trying to land on his feet with the business - and finding his own social life. All of his social life was created via me. His friends walked away from him over two years ago - and he slowly become more involved within my own friends. Unfortunately - the ones he got close with - either screwed us over or moved away. He wants his own life...I want him to have his own life. Im still trying to bring myself to become independent and physically what I want. We are still close - but we are making sure we dont lose sight of the whole point. 
6. Are you dating?
• I thought I was...but the guy ended up lying about a lot of things - then I guess, didnt like the idea of my ex being around so much... so its kind of on hold. I guess? Otherwise - Ive been asked out...or given hints - but havent gone on a formal date. Not ready I guess...  Jimmy hasnt started dating either - hes attempted finding girls when hes out drunk at the bar - but no scores so far - other than sharing a drink or two. No numbers - no calls - no dates. Hes been looking on 'singles sites'...but nothing from there either. I think we are both just trying to find outlets but not sure where or how. 
7. Do you want a boyfriend?
• You know...I thought I did...or do --- but Im kinda not sure. Whats the point? Im either going to be lied to or cheated on or made to look like the bad person. Thats overwhelming. I dont plan on sleeping around -- but Id rather have a make out buddy then deal with half the bullshit guys I know or know of are stewing up. BUT...then again, I could be easily swept off my feet again. We'll see. 
8. What new things have you been up to?
• Ive begun putting myself first. I now put on make up, get my hair done, take myself out, dont even think twice about spending money on myself and speak up for myself. I dont care if I put myself out there emotionally - Im doing it. I no longer hold back from seeing certain people. I just do it. I want to be social and happy again - so Ive been visiting with a lot of friends. I began walking/running outdoors - which is something I always WANT to do but never bring myself to do. I stopped working at the gym. 
9. Whats holding you back?
• Im still in fear of myself. But Im working past it. Im afraid to lose Jimmy overall. As a friend or as more. I want both of us to be happy but I also dont want us to walk away if that wasnt how its supposed to be. But, I know God will point us the right way. 
10. Any bad moments?
• We had a big issue with his friends treating the rest of us like crap. We all went to see  Jimmy's show - and they purposely ditched everyone. Keeping Jimmy, supposedly, out of the loop. He offended a lot of close friends - especially me. I was pretty embarrassed that night. I had invited all our friends out for him - and organized everything. Without me - he wouldnt have been able to perform. He need a minimum of 5 people - he only had 2 - 4 if you counted his parents. I was super offended and couldnt keep those feelings to myself. I let it out when he got home that night - he listened and sounded so disappointed that his friends would do that. The next day - he heard it from others and myself, once again. For the first time in our entire relationship - he took responsibility for what had happened, completely. I didnt have to cover his ass or explain things to anyone - he got each persons number, personal apologized and then offered to organize a hang out with everyone minus his two friends - to make up for that night. He said he felt that it was wrong and wanted everyone to be together. It shed a lot of light on the person I see him wanting to become - versus the person he used to be or his friends are trying to make him into. I hope he can push past their influences and be his own person. We've had a few other tiffs...but I can handle it. Ive had some awkward moments with guy friends....ones trying to take things too far --- or ones speaking down about my choices. Either way - its a pure reflection on who they are and what itd be like if I chose to date them - so they made my mind up for me. 
11. Any favorite moments?
• Ive got those by the handfuls. Ive got great moments with Jimmy - and with others - and with both Jimmy and them. Ive gone out to countless brunch, dinners or bar nights - where its been such a good time! Ive seen relatives - gone to BBQs - seen a lot of different friends - gone to a few comedy shows - and just enjoyed being around friends again. 

Irony At Its Finest

So. This blog is way out of order - mainly because its so recently accurate. Its too much for me NOT to blog about tonight though - plus I got full permission from my ex to use it online. So I am.

As those who have been following know -- my ex left me for the potential of another girl -- which was completely made up by his business partner - who was and is, currently in relations with said girl. Remember him? The married business partner. Yea...and the crowd begins boo-ing and hissing - yup, that guy. Alright! So...

I refrained from slashing tires - showing up at Unos and ultimately - calling him completely out. Everytime I or Justin [a friend of theirs] called him out on this girl -- he'd deny it, saying "shes my friend". Well not even a few days ago - I was taking my ex to meet his business partner at his place so they could ride around for work together. I see his BP [business partner, for those not aware] walking this leggy, brunette to her dark compact car. Immediately - I know its her. The other woman. She gets in her car - and he pulls around, gets out, and kisses her. Complete confirmation - that one, hes a dirtbag. two, hes totally sleeping with her and three, that this shit REALLY did go down.

All of me wanted to just SNAP and call his "wife" but...I didnt. I wasnt sure what to say or how much she did or didnt know. I knew the timing would come. I was tempted before Egypt so mail her the 'evidence' I had...but I refrained.

Little did I know - God had it all mapped out. Not even a couple hours later - my Facebook goes off. There she is. Asking for a phone call. After calls, texts and whatnot - the truth was pouring out and red flags were being tossed into the playing field. She confronted the BP about said issues - all of which were denied.

I talked with my ex - and he said he didnt care if I talked with her about it. So on I went. Not meddling but not covering his ass either. My ex and his BP feel the need to ALWAYS share my business - personal and my relations with my ex -- so SCREW being PC and deal with it.

It felt good to let it out - but I knew she needed more proof. Word of mouth wasnt enough.

That was last week. Lets bring this to present day.

Last night - my ex was on the phone with his business partner - who had already been off work for two days. He mentioned being out of town - because he took a train somewhere. Sunday he had supposedly been in Dover. I didnt ask my ex about it - cause i knew if it wasnt the right timing - id get a lie.

I go to bring my ex to his BP this morning - I scan the parking lot for miss hussy's car and his - neither are in sight. He wasnt there. I KNEW IT! My ex called him - no answer. I ended up driving him for the day - not too thrilled but BASKING in the thought that my ex was FURIOUS. The fact that his BP continued to bitch button each call - something my ex does. It was BEAUTIFUL. And I happily pointed it out. They are both SELFISH people - and treat the people most important and closest to them like SHIT! And its time they got theirs.

Soon - his BP's 'wife' was in touch. She let it all out - and she even had miss hussy's phone number - leaving her a voicemail and text. OF COURSE - by the time my ex and I met with the BP - he was near tears in the parking lot. Shes got the big guns for this one - she's ready and has full ammunition.

My ex and I were quite satisfied with this outcome. My ex bc hes not about playing around behind someones back - and well, his BP essentially 'stole' this chick from him [although, she openly admitted - she was never attracted to my ex]. Im happy bc shes finally learning the truth [even though he lied to her and said its his 'friend' PLEASE --- its an easy cover up so he doesnt owe even more money once the divorce goes through] and bc after he RUINED my love life - here is his...without me doing much of my own.

He wants to cry and pout...get the fuck over it.

You've spent two years sleeping around on your wife - you CHEATED. you are a CHEATER. you tried to convince my EX that being SINGLE is the way to go. that being out late at night - not answering your phone - flirting and acting as if its okay - is TOLERABLE and ACCEPTABLE. you continued to blow company money with just yourself or on her or with my ex - and MAKE IT OKAY. Well here it is...now you are about to be alone, without any true love around, BROKE and miserable. If my ex is stupid enough to go down with you - then CLEARLY - he made my life easier for me, and for that, Im eternally grateful.

My ex has big plans...all of them involving his own self - his own company - and his own choices. Lets hope for the best. He has a lot of potential - but with a BP like that...SCREW YOUR DREAMS UP THEIR ASS....cause thats all he knows how to do.

My ex has been told from THE JUMP that this was bad news - granted, a good learning experience, but at nearly 29 years old --- you need to start making successes - not mistakes.