So all in all - im moving along with things easily. I shed the tears and made the excuses - now I am a bit more confident in how Im going to play along with everything. Ill admit - it hasnt been the most fun Ive had but it also hasnt been very hard either.
I feel its because overall, Im happy. Ive been wanting to feel happy. I spent four years - baby-ing someone who never needed that - always trying to fix things because thats what he was used to. When really - he never deserved that. He deserved to be treated as an adult - who can find his own mistakes and choose to fix them as he will.
Now - I can have him tell me about his issues and I dont feel the 100% need to fix and help. Instead, I listen, take it in and give advice when he asks or when I feel appropriate. Im finally removing myself and my emotions from my advice. His problems arent about me - they may affect me, but they are not about me. Thats something Ive needed to learn.
Last night - he told me about a trip to OC with the two guys - my "favorite people", as he described. Im still shocked to never hear the other guy's name when they all go out. Very ironic - but thats not what we are here for this time. Regardless - immediately a twinge of pain overcame me.
OC - he hasnt been there in years. The last time was all of us together for New Years, and prior to that, with his friends and their gfs/fiances. OC - the land of young, horny, recently graduated seniors. For a 28 year old who is recently single - who loves women/girls [any age] - and well, loves to stare - this is paradise for a weekend. For a 24 year old who is recently single - who seems to have deep rooted emotions - who, gets anxious --- this is a nightmare.
He isnt my boyfriend - I have no say over his choices or lifestyle. I am okay with that. The tough part for me - is knowing hes surrounded by two guys who absolutely despise the thought of him and I - even on friend terms. To know - their intentions is to get me hurt and to walk away. To decide that - well, he did ____ and now Im out of here. Its a fucked up intention - but there's no shockers when it comes to these two guys.
Last night - I cried. To myself - he noticed. I explained how hard it was - to realize this could be our breaking point. That my emotions are 1000% on the line again - awaiting the response from him next Sunday, if he in fact sexually moved in on another person. Thats got to be the most painful thing to have someone tell you. I told him he'd never understand how I felt.
Turns out...he did.
He asked me, "Do you realize how it felt to have guys always want to sleep with you while I was with you?". I said nothing. I knew how strongly that used to set him off...the one drunken night he literally got in his car, drove drunk to his parents place and wouldnt speak to me for two days - when he found out a friend of ours had put a move on me. He hated it - and he dealt with it four years.
I told him I didnt think he understood how I was feeling because he has no feelings for me and is no longer attracted to me. He just stared at me - I was wrong. He told me, of course he has feelings - they arent going anywhere. He said, he's been trying to keep them away so we can work on being friends. He said its hard not to want to cuddle when someone is right there. I wasnt going to ask him this - but I did...
" Have you even once thought about getting us back together since the break up?"
"Yes a lot of times actually"
Im not sure how I feel - obviously somewhere inside, Im happy...but then...on the outside, im heartbroken all over again.
This is like a never ending battle.
We both want independence, we both want to find fun/sexual comfort in someone else - yet, we keep surrounding ourselves with each other. We seem to enjoy our company - but dont want to admit it to others - let alone ourselves. Yet, the people who are around us - say they see it more and more.
I told him he shows me hes confused all the time - cause once we have a good day - a shield goes up and he shuts me out. When his friend Mark came in the room to the new place - he talked to me as if I was nearly nothing. When Bryant was at our old place - he ignored me. He said he has to do that. He has to make appearances. I dont get any of it...at the end of the day.
He said, "I barely showed my emotions when we were together". I said, "youre showing them way more now, and it throws me off"
He agreed.
So...I feel like - even if he doesnt tell his BP {business partner} or the trio of assholes... ITs there. He still is in love - hes still attracted and he wants us to be back together. I feel as if - even if I dont allow myself to believe it - Im still in love, Im very attracted and Id like us to figure out a way to be back together.
But...next weekend will change a lot. If he goes and nothing happens - awesome. I'll breathe easier and I'll be relieved that I dont need to spend a week sick to my stomach and feeling gross about myself. But - then, ill start to question whats going on...whenever we talk, I say "lets go to YOUR place" or "hey im going to JIMMYS"...if HE talks, "ill see you at OUR place", "so and so is by OUR place", "WE are going home". When he is the phone - its always "us" or "we"...no longer is he referring to himself singled out.
If he goes - and something does happen. I see myself being emotionally distraught. It'll bring back the memories of the bachelor party these same boys joined him in and changed our relationship - granted it made us stronger and essentially pushed the boys away....but we were a couple at that point. Now...IDK. He said if he sleeps with someone [or vice versa] - we both know itll be meaningless and most likely not enjoy it past the thought of it being a one night stand. I was a bit surprised to hear that from him....but I am not sure how I'll feel. As of now - I see little tears...but a lot of heartache.
I put myself in this position - I allowed myself to try and date, move on and go away too fast, too soon. Now, Im nearly back to square one - of being vulnerable. I hope to be writing just over a week from now - with good news...But...it is what is. Here's to hoping.
He asked me, "Do you realize how it felt to have guys always want to sleep with you while I was with you?". I said nothing. I knew how strongly that used to set him off...the one drunken night he literally got in his car, drove drunk to his parents place and wouldnt speak to me for two days - when he found out a friend of ours had put a move on me. He hated it - and he dealt with it four years.
I told him I didnt think he understood how I was feeling because he has no feelings for me and is no longer attracted to me. He just stared at me - I was wrong. He told me, of course he has feelings - they arent going anywhere. He said, he's been trying to keep them away so we can work on being friends. He said its hard not to want to cuddle when someone is right there. I wasnt going to ask him this - but I did...
" Have you even once thought about getting us back together since the break up?"
"Yes a lot of times actually"
Im not sure how I feel - obviously somewhere inside, Im happy...but then...on the outside, im heartbroken all over again.
This is like a never ending battle.
We both want independence, we both want to find fun/sexual comfort in someone else - yet, we keep surrounding ourselves with each other. We seem to enjoy our company - but dont want to admit it to others - let alone ourselves. Yet, the people who are around us - say they see it more and more.
I told him he shows me hes confused all the time - cause once we have a good day - a shield goes up and he shuts me out. When his friend Mark came in the room to the new place - he talked to me as if I was nearly nothing. When Bryant was at our old place - he ignored me. He said he has to do that. He has to make appearances. I dont get any of it...at the end of the day.
He said, "I barely showed my emotions when we were together". I said, "youre showing them way more now, and it throws me off"
He agreed.
So...I feel like - even if he doesnt tell his BP {business partner} or the trio of assholes... ITs there. He still is in love - hes still attracted and he wants us to be back together. I feel as if - even if I dont allow myself to believe it - Im still in love, Im very attracted and Id like us to figure out a way to be back together.
But...next weekend will change a lot. If he goes and nothing happens - awesome. I'll breathe easier and I'll be relieved that I dont need to spend a week sick to my stomach and feeling gross about myself. But - then, ill start to question whats going on...whenever we talk, I say "lets go to YOUR place" or "hey im going to JIMMYS"...if HE talks, "ill see you at OUR place", "so and so is by OUR place", "WE are going home". When he is the phone - its always "us" or "we"...no longer is he referring to himself singled out.
If he goes - and something does happen. I see myself being emotionally distraught. It'll bring back the memories of the bachelor party these same boys joined him in and changed our relationship - granted it made us stronger and essentially pushed the boys away....but we were a couple at that point. Now...IDK. He said if he sleeps with someone [or vice versa] - we both know itll be meaningless and most likely not enjoy it past the thought of it being a one night stand. I was a bit surprised to hear that from him....but I am not sure how I'll feel. As of now - I see little tears...but a lot of heartache.
I put myself in this position - I allowed myself to try and date, move on and go away too fast, too soon. Now, Im nearly back to square one - of being vulnerable. I hope to be writing just over a week from now - with good news...But...it is what is. Here's to hoping.
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