Where to Go from here...

A few days ago - on Sunday - I had gotten a text from Jimmy. Asking if I was doing anything - I said no really - he said I need to talk with you and to meet him at his place within an hour. I left the gym, changed out of my stuff and delayed my photoshoot. I didnt know if anything was wrong and I didnt want to have to cut Jimmy short.

I arrived but he was still grocery shopping. So I waited by his neighborhood pond. He honked to let me know he was there and we met up at his place. I helped unload his grocery and sat in the room with the pups.

I asked him what was up - he said he needed clarification. I nodded and said sure. I assumed this would have been about my text to Justin or perhaps my last blog or something. Nope. Instead - apparently he finally found one of his passports and is pretty convinced I dropped it off last Thursday.

I was floored. THANK GOD - I never went by his place that day. That morning - he had gotten in touch with me because he locked himself out. I told him Id try and go by in the afternoon. I ended up having to be at the preschool, got some gas and went straight to DC to meet Cassie Aimee and the kiddies. I had texted him to let him know I had no way of getting to them [the pups]. He said it wasnt a problem. That night - he had asked me if I was sure I didnt come by. I didnt get it and had replied saying, "yeah I already told you I wasnt able". I didnt understand but he later told me my FB page was up on his computer. I had been on my page the other day [Wednesday] when he was napping. But...I didnt think much of it.

TURNS OUT - he thinks I did come by and through his passport behind his bookcase and left.

What doesn't add up - is he locked himself out that day - I dont have a house key. So, I dont understand how I would have done that. Not only that - but the day before - was his court case. We literally got home, I walked pups, I played on computer and w pups - we had sex and we left right away cause he had to meet Josh. So I had ABSOLUTELY no time to come by.

Right after we left each other - he dropped me off - I took my leftovers into Jenn's place and went to meet a friend for a bit - and then partied w friends for the night.

The days before his court - I spent w friends all day and night...aside from Monday - but I didnt come over til 11pm when he had asked me to come spend the night. We literally talked side by side and went right to sleep.

Regardless - he said he didnt find it til Thursday. I looked at him kinda surprised - I asked him why didnt he even tell me he found it? After all this time of blaming me or assuming I did it - and yet, he found it. ONE less thing to blame on me - yet he didnt even feel the need to tell me bc he thought I thought he was going to be upset with me.

I even came over the night prior - saturday - to pick up my wine and stuff. We talked for a bit but he was overstressed so I headed out for my night. Nothing was mentioned or upsetting -- then 12 hours later - you're accusing me of something?!?!


WHAT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL.... If I had taken that passport - and kept it to 'prevent' him from going out as he says -- why the HELL would I give it back? Let alone - the WEEK of his trip to Atlantic City. That SLIGHTLY defeats the purpose??? If that was my purpose.

I went from shocked to super angry. I realized - I rushed over here, I postponed a shoot - worth 100$ - to deal with THIS SHIT?! To get blamed for 'dropping off a passport' - let alone possessing it!

-------

I looked him square in the face and told him I didnt HAVE or BRING those passports over there - I hadn't even COME by this place except the TWO times he was HOME and WITH Me in the room.

He then says - his passports got swapped. I didnt understand - apparently he found his older passport and now had his kid one. So, he found both...well there's still one missing - idk the age range of that one though.




He told me he wanted to believe me but it didnt make sense to him. I sat there in disbelief. I LUCKILY hadn't even OFFERED to come take care of the pups cause I didnt want to be in his room without him being there bc Im NOT going to blamed for ANYTHING ever again. Not for the stupid Ipad he lost on the JOB and when I picked him up - he suddenly realized it was missing. Then I get blamed. I WAS THE FUCKING RIDE HOME! And Im blamed...unbelievable.

He goes out drinking - and is missing money - comes home and asks me if I had it. He then takes out his receipt to see he SPENT it. I mean seriously?!

I think this kid underestimates me - if I want something to happen - I'll find a way...But Im not going to sit there and put myself in a situation that would

1. Risk our friendship
2. Take away his trust
3. Have it be so Im the only plausible person to blame



I got extremely upset - I teared up because no matter what I explained or showed or proved - he had no one else to blame but himself - which meant, Id be blamed. My mind had given up on him. I looked at him realizing - we're never going to survive as friends or anything more. In situations - he even ADMITS there's no real way I could have done it - he STILL chooses to blame me. He even tells Justin and Josh that he thinks I do certain things.

He was even convinced I was able to delete numbers off his phone - yet its had its own code key lock since I think July. The ideas he puts into his head - and then his horrible lack of evidence - just leaves me to wonder whats the point anymore.



I gave him two options - after touching on EVERY point - he can either believe me and drop this bullshit once and for all OR he can choose to be convinced I stole and took and hid everything - and never speak to me again. BC Im not doing this anymore or ever again. I cant.

I cant have someone that I thought respected and loved me - look down on me or accuse me of stuff that honestly, doesn't even make sense.



I dont even come into his place with a BAG because I never want him thinking - I did something. Yet - here we are. I dont get his mindset - what we have sex and then what...I ransack the room? Bc suddenly through our sexual bonding - I knew he had his passport hidden in the room?!?!?! OMG...and not only that - but IF I found it, and IF I brought it back, Why the fuck would i swap it back out?!?!?!

And not only that but if he FOUND it Thursday --- and I didnt come over til Saturday evening for only 15minutes TOPS - how the fuck did I get him to close his eyes long enough to find wherever it was, pull out his other passport, switch them and hide the other one? I may be really good at things but I HIGHLY doubt Im capable of fucking magic tricks.


As you can see - Im still super upset. We sat in silence for awhile - and he said he'd choose to believe me but his voice wasnt in agreement. I was furious. I stormed out and refused to get in touch.

I took the day and night to myself. HE had a game that night and I had offered to go but I didnt give a shit anymore. I was so angry...late late late that night - I wanted to text him - apologizing for how emotional I allowed myself to get. But it turned into something longer - so I started emailing him - that became a bit angry...so I held off. Instead - I texted him asking if we could meet up and talk.

The First Big Change

SO - this week Ive had my breakdowns. This morning is really tough for me. Today, is my first official day at my job. I woke up at 530am. Again, at 630am. Got up around 7 and laid around til 730. I decided to get up to take a shower - but found myself feeling overwhelmed - and anxious.

All of me just wanted to be able to call Jimmy - and just tell him how nervous I was to meet my "kids" and get my classroom started. I wanted to see him - or just hang out with him. Then the anxiety of knowing - I dont have that special someone to run to anymore. It hurts, a lot.

Im so used to be someone's other half - or having someone as mine. I dont know when the next time will even be - not that its a huge concern of mine - but it is something boggling my mind. I dont trust people - It took me forever to let Jimmy in - and look at us now.

Im so scared to be successful on my own. Not because I dont think I can do it --- but because I know I'll be great at what I do. I dont have much self doubt - I just lack the initiative at first. Once I get going - Im fine.

A lot has changed for me since Spring. I became single. I learned what its like to feel used. I missed out on some opportunities. I had my heart completely broken - not to be put back together. Im losing the weight - I struggled with through my relationship. I closed my shop - something that defined a huge part of me. I began searching for my career path - and am bringing myself to finish my degrees.

People are thinking - "its because she's single" "jimmy's not there to hold her back" --- no one really knows. It's not about my relationship status - or whom I am dating. It was always me. I was scared - I was lacking confidence.

Now - I can prove to myself I can do it. And it scares the shit out of me.

But...too late now - Im doing this. Whether Im ready or not.

Jenn [Jimmy's sister] told me to pray through my anxiety. As soon as I began - the tears flooded out.

• • God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.
    
    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right
    if I surrender to His Will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life
    and supremely happy with Him
    Forever in the next.
    Amen.
• 

  9 minutes ago

  Jennifer Pariseau Wilson

  • i found another one on the same page that's shorter and even easier to maybe memorize lol
• 

  8 minutes ago

  Jennifer Pariseau Wilson

  • Trust in the LORD with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
    in all your ways acknowledge him,
    and he will direct your paths.
    
    Proverbs 3, 5-6

I will be okay.

Weight Loss : Week 6

WEEK SIX:

Accomplishments:

So this is technically my week "5" -- I slipped up with food a bit more - and Im blaming it on myself and going through emotions.

What did I do to keep active?

monday: Gym - errands
Tuesday: Gym  - personal time ;-) - step machine, treadmill, elliptical, weights
Wednesday: KICK ASS personal time ;-)  out and about all night
Thursday: Walked entire Zoo!! Over 3 miles
Friday: Gym - Treadmill, Bike, Elliptical, Weights - Errands
Saturday: Gym - step, treadmill, elliptical, weights, personal time ;-)
Sunday: Gym - step, treadmill, weights, elliptical - out and about all day/night


Where did I do awesome about food?

Salad from Wawa - no dressing or croutons 

NO ALCOHOL 

Lots of Water

Chicken

SALAD!

Greek Yogurt [2x]

Stir Fry - brown rice [one tablespoon], peppers and chicken/pork

Carrots w Dip

Tostada Salad

Avoided Cinnabon, funnel cake and movie food

WHAT SLIP UPS DID I HAVE?
Leftover Quesadilla
Glass of Arnold Palmer
2 slices of pizza - mainly ate off cheese
Strawberry Limeade

Fried Rice -- only ate 1/2 of it
Fried Green Beans
Flat Bread
Finished Chinese Leftovers
1/2 Slurpee
1/2 Cup of Soda
1/3 cup of lemon icee
Pizza Rolls
pulled pork
cupcake

deviled eggs



STARTING WEIGHT: 182pounds [193 in April]
STARTING Pant Size : 12/13
STARTING Shirt Size: Large
STARTING BRA SIZE: 38C

WEEK 6 STARTING WEIGHT: 169
END OF THE WEEK: 166.5
CURRENT PANT SIZE: 8
CURRENT SHIRT SIZE: MEDIUM

LOSS: -2.5 pounds

GOAL: NOT ACCOMPLISHED

Weight Loss : Week 5 : THE BREAK!

WEEK FIVE:
This was my OFF WEEK - Anything goes...any food, no gym or gym - whatever I want.

Accomplishments:
 Although I gave myself the "out" I still made sure I focused on my goals.


What did I do to keep active?

monday:  Run/Jog - Casual Workout - Laser Tag/Running Around FunNStuff
Tuesday:  Personal Workout ;-)
Wednesday:
Thursday: Walk around neighborhood w pups
Friday: walk around mall
Saturday: Worked a Wedding
Sunday:


Where did I do awesome about food?

Omelet - only ate 1/3 of it

LOTS OF WATER
Leftover Salad
Omelet - ate remaining of it
AVOIDED FAST FOOD!!
1/2 Sub -- philly steak w peppers tomatoes and pickles
egg white omelet w peppers
cup of fruit
salad at Olive Garden
chili
NO ALCOHOL!
NO SODA! Attempted Sugar Free arnold palmer- couldnt finish!
Attempted wedding cake - took one bit and put it down!
baked chicken


WHAT SLIP UPS DID I HAVE?
3 pieces of toast
1 tablespoon of artichoke dip
1 slice of quesadilla
1 mozzarella stick
chinese -- egg roll, rice and ribs
apple juice
2 breadsticks
chicken teriakyi sushi
2 juices
scoop of mashed potatoes
2 slices of pizza
2 slices of pizza - again.
mini iced cappuccino
reg mango smoothie
shot - oatmeal cookie
quesadilla



STARTING WEIGHT: 182pounds [193 in April]
STARTING Pant Size : 12/13
STARTING Shirt Size: Large
STARTING BRA SIZE: 38C

WEEK 2 STARTING WEIGHT: 169
END OF THE WEEK: 169
CURRENT PANT SIZE: 8
CURRENT SHIRT SIZE: MEDIUM

LOSS: X

GOAL: MAINTAINED WEIGHT!

Weight Loss Week 4

WEEK FOUR:

Accomplishments:
Making sure I kept up with working out in some way! Took too much time off the gym but worked hard when I was at the gym.


What did I do to keep active?

monday: Gym - 5miles bike - weights - Dance cardio @ Home - Other Activity ;-)
Tuesday: Gym - 1 mi elliptical - treadmill jog/walk 10minutes - lots of weights / 1 mile walk at home in heels/ other activity ;-)
Wednesday: Shopping
Thursday: Dancing/Cardio
Friday: Gym [3hours] - 10 miles bike/treadmill/elliptical - weights - Walked Mall
Saturday: Worked a Wedding
Sunday:  Running/Walking Around Neighborhood/ Plyometrics [triceps pushups, superman, jump squats, v situps, jump rope squats, etc]


Where did I do awesome about food?

Skipped Teas and Coffees - and tempting muffins and got a Odawall Juice from Caribou Coffee
Split a burger [bread pocket - instead of bun, lettuce and tomato] in half w friend
Lots and Lots and Lots of WATER!
Skipped out on Chevys - stuck w some chips/salsa
AVOIDED eating pizza or crust - unfortunately - healthiest thing was chicken w light breading
1/2 Bowl of Oatmeals w Pecans, Strawberries, Bananas, Blueberries and Raisins
Salad with no meat at Magoobys
AVOIDED Alcohol and Soft Drinks
2 pieces of sushi
AVOIDED all baseball park food and alcohol
AVOIDED Bagels - and had a Banana instead
AVOIDED alcohol and cake at the wedding
Enjoyed - fruits/cheeses/salad
AVOIDED Dunkin Donuts/Fast Food on trip up to Ohio
Healthy Breakfast thanks to Jimmy - 2 clementines, scrambled eggs, 1/2 english wheat muffin




WHAT SLIP UPS DID I HAVE?
chicken strips w light breading - no salad or healthy options [LAME!]
emotional eating - stole half a whopper and a handful of fries
emotional eating - led to eating 3 slices of chicken parm pizza
chicken nuggets from Chik Fil A
Took bites from chicken parm, crab cake, stuffed chicken
3 sweet potato perogies


STARTING WEIGHT: 182pounds [193 in April]
STARTING Pant Size : 12/13
STARTING Shirt Size: Large
STARTING BRA SIZE: 38C

WEEK 2 STARTING WEIGHT: 170.5
END OF THE WEEK: 169
CURRENT PANT SIZE: 8
CURRENT SHIRT SIZE: MEDIUM

LOSS: -1.5 pounds

GOAL: NOT ACCOMPLISHED

Rules of Attraction

I woke up - knowing I needed to get ready so Jimmy could scoop me up and we could go off to his court case. I decided to wear a fun dress and smell all pretty. He came and got me - was dressed up nice . Before I even sat in the car completely, he told me I smelled good.

On the drive - I asked him about what he had prepped but that was the extent of our conversation. We got to the court house with good timing. We got inside the court house - and his nerves kicked in. He was one the last ones to go up - so in the mean time - he was making commentary of how he saw the case going. I made my own suggestions/opinions - and I guess, I irritated him. He got rude about things. I was slightly bummed but I just ignored him.

His case worked out very well - for him. Which was pretty shocking. He left feeling pretty good lol We made plans to grab some food. We drove to Cheesecake Factory but they werent open. He suggested we walk around the mall til it opened - but then realized, he needed to hit the bank. So off we went. PF Changs became the new place of choice. He went inside and I realized, he took nothing in with him. So I laughed, knowing somewhere in the front seats - he had checks that needed to go in. I was right - he was like, oh thanks. haha

We sat and talked in the car for a bit - I was pretty hyper about things. He was playing on his phone and I saw my name. I go - are you talking to your girlfriend? He gets flustered when I bug him like that.  I started laughing and he goes, you really wanna know who Im talking to?? I go...ummm I guess. He flips the phone so I can see our chat. I laughed louder. He didnt get it - so I explained I saw my name from where I was sitting. He didnt fully believe me but he never really does anyways.

So, I got out of the car and headed inside. We were nearly the only ones in there. Our waitress was all over the place and I made a comment about how she must be used to the night crowd cause she only stayed for 20 seconds or less, every time she came by. He and I began laughing and joking about it every time she popped over.

The food was amazingggggggly delicious and he made fun of me as I ate - since I throughly enjoyed every bite. He said he laughs at me cause he likes what I do. But sometimes I get so thrown off. I mean - how would you feel being laughed at every time you even blinked?? :)

He caught highlights of the game while we waited for our food. He insisted I try his soup - it was delicious. I always forget how much I love eggdrop soup. I let him try my limeade with strawberry and cucumber. It was refreshing but the sugar kicked in FAST. I was so giggly.

It was our first casual hang out - and I loved it. We talked, joked and relaxed. I asked how the pups were adjusting and he said, he could tell they were acting different but nothing too extreme. I got choked up and my eyes watered. He said my nose was red [which happens when I get emotional]. I dotted my tears away and he said, we could see the pups after lunch.

We wrapped up and headed to his place. My emotional moment got his body tense. I felt bad cause he had fully relaxed at lunch. I rolled down my window and just quietly sang out the window. That is...until I looked over and felt him smiling, laughing and staring.

I took the pups for a walk and came back to find him sprawled out on the bed. I snuggled with the pups and laid around with them while Jimmy napped. He woke up - and for the third time in a day - a sexual encounter was referenced - the previous two times were rejected.

As he was getting changed up for work - I sat on my red chair. Making a joke of it. He looked up and said No. Then stopped for a moment, looked at my thighs and legs -- and looked up at me. Agreeing. I was like what?! He walked over and I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in and he pulled my waist towards him.

For what seemed to be over a month - his lips touched mine. And didnt let go. We had a steady record of at LEAST once a week since the breakup -- but recently no kissing ever occurred. For me - its the most intimate part of anything. As soon as we began making out - our pups suddenly got hyper and running around. It was almost as if they were celebrating lol I found it cute

He had me against our bookcase and I propped one leg on the red chair and let him have his way. He picked my other leg up and eventually placed me on the bed. It wasnt rushed, it wasnt anything but fantastic. He took every part of me into account and focused in on it all.

This is already TMI -- but in the same breath... it has yet to subside or get boring...it's only gotten more and more and more intense and powerful.

In the car - he said how great it was. We both laughed about the pups. It felt so amazing. I didnt want to settle for anyone else...I dont care if he or I date around for years to come...this was a feeling I dont see with someone else.



Earlier - we touched on the fact that he doesnt want or need sex - and would rather take care of himself - bc he doesnt have to worry if someone wont be there the next day. I couldnt believe how he felt. Its so relatable. Which is why I havent just jumped on anyone else. I cant. I dont trust and I know I cant trust most of the guys offering it up. It sucks...he looked at me and said - I never felt that with you. :)




Life....its something else.

Unfamiliar but Familiar Path

Tonight concluded my first official week living apart from Jimmy. By my previous blog - you clearly see we havent actually done it the right way. But, it makes me ask myself - is that even the right statement?

How do I know this isnt the right way? Do I have to be bitter, sad and lonely? Or can I appreciate his needs and wants - and learn to figure out my own?

Today was the most quiet he's been. I randomly wrote him through the day - he responded briefly about getting together tomorrow for his court date. Otherwise, he was quiet.

I went about my day -- I watched a movie with Cody, cleaned Jenn's place, went to the gym and got my work done. I, then, listened to music outside Cadillac Ranch and watched a movie with Jenn.

My facebook notification chimed - saying Jimmy updated his status. RARE OCCURRENCE

I look and he had written the following:

James Christopher

4 hours ago near Patuxent River Estates

A poem/rap to all the stuck up women out there...

The vibe that I'm getting
is that you're heart has been broken

but girl understand that when I asked you out
I wasn't fucking jokin

i thought you were cool
i thought you were chill

my only intentions were to go out
and see how many beers we could kill

but you must of thought it was to get you in bed
for that quick 20 minute thrill
or maybe 5 minutes of head

dont get me wrong
id love to see your fine ass in a thong
but you're crazy and mean
and that's why im writing this song

so go ahead and say no
you can't hurt my feelings
and you can't hurt my flow

but remember next time you sleep with a deusch
that's why people call you
a dumb stupid HO!

A Poem by Me

 ·  · Share

• • 
    

    Chanel Michelle I wasn't calling you one

    4 hours ago via mobile · 
  • 
    

    Chanel Michelle Now that I know the story, very nice lol

    3 hours ago via mobile · 

So - needless to say my intuition kicked in. I realized - this wasnt just his ramblings...this was for real. And it just happened. I called him twice - I assumed he was out at a bar with one of the guys and got shut down. He called me. Which surprised me.

He wasnt drunk, or at a bar nor had come from a bar. He was at home. However - he had gotten shot down. Apparently - when golfing on Sunday - he asked a girl for her number, inviting her along to golf and out for drinks. She gave him her number and agreed. Tonight was said night - and she didnt know who he was. He decided to kinda play around but she didnt go with it - at all. IN fact, checked out immediately.

He didnt go golfing due to working pretty late. He said he wasnt interested in much but was pissed at her reaction. I laughed and said welcome to woman. We sat on the phone for maybe 30 minutes - just shooting shit, talking about how crazy his potentials will be.

He admitted - he doesnt even think he wants a successful date, just wants to realize how crazy girls really are. He then touched on the topic of Monica. Saying, even at the wedding he wasnt interested .Just needed to finally get out on a date. He said during the date - there was nothing there. I told him - its fine for a bit but he cant treat girls like that. Thats a lot of bad karma about to build up. He was slightly offended - calling me a know -it-all. But Im sure if Ana or Mark or even Monica herself, found out thats the only reason he asked her to go out - theyd be upset. At least - a real friend would be.

ANd I know what you may be thinking - hes just saying these things to make me feel better. NEWSFLASH: Jimmy doesnt spare my feelings.


Regardless - the entire conversation about him asking a girl out, wanting to try more, etc - didnt hurt or phase me. I told him this could be fun. I know the only thing that will tear me apart is the news of his sexual encounters. Atlantic City in a week and a half, may be it - but it may not be. I'll be a wreck but itll just show me the path that I need to follow.

The point of me writing all this - is because, through it all. It felt good to just be on the phone with him, and actually be joking, talking and fighting. He listened to my random advice, he made fun of me and we enjoyed talking about our day. We hadn't talked on the phone in years - mainly because we never had a reason to.

I think we are in the same boat:

Happy to Friends.
Happy to be Single.
Sad to be alone sometimes but thrilled to have the alone time.
We are still in love.
We still think there's some sort of hope.
We want to explore before we touch down - via friends, people, men/women and careers
We wont give up on each other.

A week of my own...or not?

So here I am....almost a week of living single. I don't hate it but this wouldn't be my first preference. Here's how its gone.

NIGHT ONE:
After Jimmy pulled out of the parking lot - I sat in the car with my other ex. We drove to his house so I could drop him off. Within a bit of talking - I made plans to see my friend for a bit in Crofton. I was saying goobye and thanks to my ex - and he goes in for two kisses at two different points of the goodbye. My head swerved so fast. Not happening. Im in no emotional stand point for this. And within 30 minutes of just leaving my ex?!?! Oh geez... I got out of the situation and headed to Crofton.

I looked down at my phone...about 5 texts had already come in from Jimmy. 2 of those 5 - jealous texts about my ex. Good Lord. It made me smile though, at least he cared. I called him to let him know I was okay. He hadnt even made it home yet - he stopped to get a slurpee. [aww my fave thing lol]

I got to Crofton and met my friend. I held back a few burst of tears while I talked to him about everything. My phone starts ringing - Jimmy. He vented to me about his landlord. Then spent the rest of the night til he fell asleep venting about things. He also - asked, if I was still considering him and I living together with a friend of ours. I was thrown the fuck off. I JUST LEFT - and now you want to COME BACK TOGETHER?!?!!? Oh geez.

I spent a few hours with my friend - enjoying my single life again. Then headed to go sleep at a girlfriends place not far away. Jimmy had planned on swinging by in the morning to drop off my sneakers. I stayed up til about 4am...sad but okay.

DAY TWO:

He came by but couldnt find my car so left. He randomly texted me through the day. I had made plans to go by the apartment complex I was interested in to get paperwork. My friend met me there - and we started signing papers. The idea of Jimmy living with us came into our talk. The week before that - we had taken Jimmy along to do a walk through. We were torn and the office was closing and we couldnt decide on anything. So, I agreed to bring paperwork back later.

 My phone goes off - its Jimmy. He's still at work but wanted to know what we decided. I said I needed to talk to him tonight when I come to get my sneakers. An hour later - he called me to tell me he was getting off work and to meet him at his place and then asks if Im coming to dinner with Jenn Tim and himself. [he was taking them out to thank them for watching our pups while we went to Ohio]. I replied saying I didnt know I was invited.

So I headed to his place - Tim was there waiting on Jimmy. We walked in cause Tim was walking the pups - and I saw a comforter thrown in a ball on the couch, I saw his cans/food on the table, and saw his lovely website choice on the computer. I glanced at the bed...he didnt sleep on it. [aww...]

Jimmy showed up not long later. In the midst of our hellos and catching up - Tim asked why Nostradamus was acting up. I explained I had packed up and now moved out. So the dogs were thrown off. Tim was thrown off even more. I asked Jimmy if he slept on the couch - he looked down and said yea. I picked on him saying "aww, you wont sleep there without me". He threw something at me lol

 We got ready for dinner - and headed out. I drove the boys in the convertible. Dinner was quiet but nice. Afterwards - Jimmy and I grabbed the pups and took a long walk around the neighborhood. He brought up the topic first.

We debated everything as far as living together goes. He said overall - he's okay with it but isnt going to know how to handle everyone else :: AKA: THe guys. I agreed saying, I think my friends would eventually accept it but not right away. I mentioned how difficult dating would be - not just for each other but for the people we date. I also explained - my thought right now, is NOT to be dating. Ive got goals and things coming up that demand my attention. The conversation helped my nerves but not the decision. We decided we'd fill out the paperwork all together, turn it in and go from there. We get 3 days from submitting it - to change our minds. Unfortunately - its our only option - because my income level isnt high enough without him. So, Id be willing to work with this to have a place to be.

I headed out and met Tim and a couple we know to see a midnight movie. Throughout that hour or so - Jimmy texted me more about his landlord til he fell asleep.

DAY THREE

My plan was to run some errands and then drop off paperwork. My plans changed a bit. Throughout my day being out and about - Jimmy and I had pre-agreed to plans with some other friends of ours and his sister. We texted through the day about a game plan for our pups and meeting up to drive together. I took care of the pups then napped. Jimmy got in from work - and got changed up. We headed across the bridge - I decided to drive so we could take the convertible. I noticed he hadnt touched his phone through the entire ride - other than checking traffic. I appreciated that. We got to dinner - and caught up with our friends. We talked so much - and laughed. It felt good to laugh - together. We touched on random topics - til we switched over to the bar. And thats where our in depth relationship conversation came into play. It hit me that Jimmy wants to be proud of himself before accepting us. Made sense. FINALLY.

After the bar closed - we headed out. Jimmy and I joked around about hooking up in the convertible and then he impressed me by saying something he said to me at the beginning of our relationship. "I dont feel right about having random casual sex with you." "why?" "because we don't do that. we do it in a bed, at our home - and its not random in a bad way". Needless to say - no we didnt have sex but that idea stuck with me. I was glad he didnt see us that way, even after all we've been through. I drove him home - and he asked me where I was staying, I said dont worry about it. He asked me to just stay the night. I debated it...but then knew how tired I was even on the drive home. So I agreed. I got the bed situated and climbed in with the puppies. Jimmy hopped in. I sat up - I thought you dont sleep on the bed. He goes, "tonight I am". Mhmm.... no nothing happened but still. I gave up and went to bed. I crashed...HARD.

DAY FOUR:

His alarm went off and it made me realize - I had to be up and going and I was late! I needed that sleep though. I got dressed fast and he drove me down to my car. He took the pups to work. We said goodbye and didnt talk til almost afternoon. We spoke on the phone and texted randomly. He had a lot more jobs then he expected - it was HOT and HUMID, so I felt awful for the pups. His friend Chris and I began chatting - he mentioned us coming by the hospital to meet his daughter. He said he'd try and talk with Jimmy - and I said, Id do the same. As I headed down to Bowie - I figured Jimmy wouldnt be up for going. So I got there - he was watching a Marilyn Monroe movie [my favorite actress ever] and just finished eating. He talked with one of the guys about golfing - I had wrongly assumed he had plans for the evening. I ended up crashing on the bed for 2 hours. When I woke up - Jimmy was knocked out on his new recliner. I took the dogs for a walk - and when I got back - he said Lets go. So - we drove separately and went to hospital. He took a few walks with Chris - we made random jokes with Brooke and spent two hours with them and their BEAUTIFUL daughter. I had tried to make plans with friends to go bowling - but no one was fully into any ideas and we never got a game plan. So, I told Jimmy it fell through. He seemed as if he wanted to come along but also looked tired, but we headed out. He drove me up to my car on another level and asked where I was staying. I looked at him - like why do you keep asking?!!? He goes, well just stay at the house. You cant keep staying but just stay there til you figure it out. I said NO thats not the point. He said just get over it. I rolled my eyes but agreed. It'd be nice to actually upload the wedding photos and start editing. PLUS - Ill take any opportunity to snuggle my babies. We drove home - which made me realize, i just wasted gas. I got to his place - and hopped online. I started editing like crazy. He took to playing video games - he ordered some pizza. We stayed up pretty late - then finally, he shut off the lights and I pulled myself away from the computer. We crashed almost right away - well I did. He had some random energy and didnt sleep very well, he said. He seemed to be kinda overwhelmed or stressed but I couldnt figure why. He had golf early so I was hoping he'd just SLEEP.

DAY FIVE

Jimmy woke me up to let me know we needed to get going. His landlord was outside so I held back while he left. I ended up falling asleep til almost noon. I dragged myself up, took pups out and went to FINALLY drop off paperwork. I figured Jimmy would change his mind but once I told him I dropped off paperwork - he said okay cool. I needed a check to pay for our fees - which was cool b ut then I needed another one for our holding fee. CRAP. I had no more checks. Jon wasnt awake enough to come down and Jimmy was golfing and had no company checks - only personal, which is not in standing to help. I decided to go think to myself. Jimmy texted me saying he was done golfing and I could swing by whenever. I decided to get myself a frozen cappuccino and got him a mango smoothie. Hes always buying me things. So I get there - hes cleaning out his car like there's no tomorrow. I walk in - laundry is done, boxes put away, everything was CLEAN. I was very surprised. ASSUMING - I figured he might be having one of the guys or hey, maybe even a girl over. I was wrong. He got into a cleaning fit. I was impressed, about fucking time. I searched the entire room for checks of mine. NOTHING. I told him I needed to give him cash and have him write a personal check. He said he was about to nap. I said can we meet later? I expected a NO, but he said sure. So I gave love to the pups and headed out- taking the smoothie with me cause he didnt want it. [EW]

I met up with my friend at his job and hung out there- then went on a drive during his break and I sought out advice from him ab the move. Afterwards, I headed to my girlfriends place - we chatted then headed to run some errands and sit at Caribou. We talked about the moving situation - that helped to talk more about it. Jimmy hadnt napped yet - but he was telling me about the lawyers he was trying to talk with to get his court issues in line. I was impressed, yet again. We went back to my girlfriends place and we invited two guy friends over. We just sat around on youtube and talked about random shit - marriage, dating, sex, homosexuality, friends, parties, rating girls lol Jimmy texted - saying he had just worked out [impressed AGAIN!] and was going to head over to me. He got there - but left his wallet. AYE. So he said he'd come back in the morning. Meanwhile - we all decided to go to Batemans or Stan and Joe's  in Edgewater - but as we walked out - that turned into The Irish Channel. I was pretty in awe of this place - it was chill but delicious and fun. We stayed out pretty late - Jimmy said he was just staying in to chill and relax. IMPRESSEDDDDDD. lol

I stayed up super late - once again.

DAY SIX:

I woke up early to make sure I didnt miss Jimmy dropping off the check - while my service sucks, So I did miss Jimmy. But he left it under my hood. So it was all good. He randomly texted me. I dyed my hair, hung out, edited some photos then decided I needed to go drop off the check. That was painless. I wasnt sure what to do with myself - and forced myself to go to the gym. FINALLY. I took about two hours there, then over to Bed Bath and Beyond. Got Jenn her birthday card. I decided to leave - and go to Crofton to look for an outfit for Jenn's birthday night at the end of the week. Which turned into a success - I got the pups something too. I walked over to Caribou to charge my phone. Ended up finding a cute card for Jenn to say goodbye [jimmy's sister]. My friend messaged me and he decided to come meet me. An hour or so later - my girlfriend came to meet us. We sat and chatted. Jimmy texted me saying he was going to say bye to his sister later. I was surprised - but thought that was good. We decided to just ride together - he was going to pick me up from my girlfriends place. So after 3/4 hours of bumming around Waugh Chapel - I headed to park my car. Jimmy scooped me up with the pups - and off we went. Once again - stayed off his phone the entire ride. We stopped and got food for the road at Wawa. It was a relaxing night at his parents place - we finally saw the new house. We stayed til kinda late. He drove home - and I fell asleep. I assumed he was taking me to my car/my girlfriends house - but I woke up to his driveway. He said he was tired and would drop me off in the morning. I walked in to see the house kinda messy again but the comforter put differently on the couch. I asked him if he slept there again? He said yes...but like the other night - he hopped right in the bed. I was too tired to even throw a phone on the charger - and just went to sleep.

DAY SEVEN:

Woke up feeling super sick. Got up a couple times then climbed in bed. Out of habit - I rubbed his back for a bit til his alarm went off. He and I got ready - I walked the pups. And we had a semi-silent ride to my car. He said he'd let me know if he wanted me to take him to court the next day. I said okay - just let me know since it was early in the morning. I took the day to hang with a friend, watch a movie and catch up on my own things.

And here I am now...


SO.......AFTER ALL THAT....

I haven't had ONE single day without seeing Jimmy. Let alone - without at least 2 phone calls or 10 texts. There is NO complaints but my mind cant help but observe that he's basically hanging alone - if not randomly seeing friends, 98% of the time with me. Golf was his only exception.

NOW im not stupid. Its only been a week. He could very well have lots of plans coming up - or even dates. He could be very well texting other girls through out all this too. I wouldnt know and I hope I dont find out. I know this doesnt mean he loves me or misses me - it may just be coincidence. But its still a good feeling.

The Debate Within my Heart

We've approached my 4th full month of being 'single'. It's going...let me tell you. The crying spells have subsided but the inner pain is there. In different forms.

I recently went to dinner with Jimmy and two friends. Within this dinner...one of our friend's asked us, what was going on with us. When Jimmy went to the bathroom - said friend, mentioned how greatly he loved having us together, but it was still strange. He feels we just need to let it all out and go from there.

Well...within hours - Jimmy was so open...I sat in shock a few times. He let it all out. Everything from how he's surprised Im still around him, even as a friend. How he checked out of our relationship due to feeling as if he disappointed me by coming home tired and distracted by his business. He touched on the guy friends - saying they disliked me based on a false pretense.

It was everything I had assumed...everything I had been WANTING to hear, just once, from him.

He held nothing back. He touched upon his dreams, goals and how he saw us. How thinks that maybe this could just be in a bump in our long term relationship.

I interjected every so often. But...I mainly listened. It was words, stories and explanations that I had to make up in my own head to give myself a piece of mind. Nothing angered or hurt me - but instead, made me realize, how well we do know each other. How much love, really is there with us.

STORYTIME:

Just a little under a week ago - I officially stopped staying with Jimmy. He ran into issues with his landlord and the agreement was by the 1st. I was working hard through July to decide on a place to live with either of two guy friends. So far - nothing had been working out. I panicked realizing - I didnt have anything set up. Various friends offered their couches...but the night before I was due to move out, I broke down something serious.

I mean - I bawled my heart out. Jimmy stayed up and just held me and we eventually made love. There was so many emotions but I let the tears eventually stop and allowed his arms to be my safety net. Realizing - this could possibly ever happen again. When I woke up - he was still around me. In fact, every few minutes, he'd adjust himself to hug me closer. I got upset realizing he had messaged a girl that he had gone on a date with - the girl mentioned prior whom his one friend tried hooking him up with [I know nothing other than there's discussion of another hang out but im doing my best to just not find out more until there's a GOOD reason to know]. It bothered me and I ignored him saying goodbye.  I took the entire day to myself. I didnt cry but I was in fact very numb.

He got home - and ordered us food. We watched some TV and finally decided to get going because I needed to pick up a car. On our drive to pick up the car - he asked me what my plan was. I shrugged, saying I didnt know yet. He began messaging our friend Jenn. saying I was sleeping in my car and I needed to stay with her. He became pretty angry. He was totally irritated with me. I looked at him - like, seriously?! Why are you upset? He responded, saying, "I didn't do this to put you out of a place. I thought you had a plan". I responded, saying, " Ive been working on it but nothings working out. Its not for you to be worried about". Worry was the MINIMUM of what he was feeling. He was furious. I started crying because this is NOT how I wanted our last hour to be like.

We got to the parking lot and he had yet to speak with me. His anger subsided. We made small conversation. Then his jealousy started coming into his mouth - suggesting my ex was giving me a car for only certain reasons, asking if Id do those things. I was surprised by him. My ex arrived and parked across from us. I got my stuff together - a sinking feeling came upon me. Still unable to grasp what was happening. We were officially separating after 4 WHOLE years of knowing each other and barely having 3 days apart, ever.

I was in some pain but knew, Id have to hold it in until after I saw my ex. I didnt need pity or sympathy. I just needed to cry - something that Jimmy doesnt understand. He thinks Im shutting people out. REGARDLESS. I turned to the back window and embraced my puppies. Telling them Id miss them and see them soon. NOW THAT - killed me, inside. I walked away with my two bags.

Moments later, "HEY!" was shouted at me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. Jimmy threw his hands up in frustration. I looked at him oddly and said, what? He goes, "Cant say bye to nobody?". In that statement - I heard his pain. He was sad. I came to the window, on my passenger side, and said bye. He goes, UM no, you can come over to my side. I slowly walked over...Im not sure why I didnt just accept him being sad...but I couldnt. I felt like it was such BULLSHIT...not that he didnt feel those things but why NOW are you sad?!?!!

I came over to his window and said, Byeee. His eyes were glossed and he said this was strange. [maybe he said weird, same shit]. He and I exchanged our feelings of how strange and odd this was. He said he hasnt been away from me in four years, it makes him sad. I held back my tears until he stepped out and hugged me. He held me in a way that showed, he'll let go but doesnt want to. Thats when my tears came out. I felt as if I didnt push away - Id never let him go. Luckily - the pups tried escaping so our embrace ended.

I walked away, sucking in as much air as possible and realizing...this was it.


READ NEXT BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS OF OUR FIRST WEEK.