We've approached my 4th full month of being 'single'. It's going...let me tell you. The crying spells have subsided but the inner pain is there. In different forms.
I recently went to dinner with Jimmy and two friends. Within this dinner...one of our friend's asked us, what was going on with us. When Jimmy went to the bathroom - said friend, mentioned how greatly he loved having us together, but it was still strange. He feels we just need to let it all out and go from there.
Well...within hours - Jimmy was so open...I sat in shock a few times. He let it all out. Everything from how he's surprised Im still around him, even as a friend. How he checked out of our relationship due to feeling as if he disappointed me by coming home tired and distracted by his business. He touched on the guy friends - saying they disliked me based on a false pretense.
It was everything I had assumed...everything I had been WANTING to hear, just once, from him.
He held nothing back. He touched upon his dreams, goals and how he saw us. How thinks that maybe this could just be in a bump in our long term relationship.
I interjected every so often. But...I mainly listened. It was words, stories and explanations that I had to make up in my own head to give myself a piece of mind. Nothing angered or hurt me - but instead, made me realize, how well we do know each other. How much love, really is there with us.
STORYTIME:
Just a little under a week ago - I officially stopped staying with Jimmy. He ran into issues with his landlord and the agreement was by the 1st. I was working hard through July to decide on a place to live with either of two guy friends. So far - nothing had been working out. I panicked realizing - I didnt have anything set up. Various friends offered their couches...but the night before I was due to move out, I broke down something serious.
I mean - I bawled my heart out. Jimmy stayed up and just held me and we eventually made love. There was so many emotions but I let the tears eventually stop and allowed his arms to be my safety net. Realizing - this could possibly ever happen again. When I woke up - he was still around me. In fact, every few minutes, he'd adjust himself to hug me closer. I got upset realizing he had messaged a girl that he had gone on a date with - the girl mentioned prior whom his one friend tried hooking him up with [I know nothing other than there's discussion of another hang out but im doing my best to just not find out more until there's a GOOD reason to know]. It bothered me and I ignored him saying goodbye. I took the entire day to myself. I didnt cry but I was in fact very numb.
He got home - and ordered us food. We watched some TV and finally decided to get going because I needed to pick up a car. On our drive to pick up the car - he asked me what my plan was. I shrugged, saying I didnt know yet. He began messaging our friend Jenn. saying I was sleeping in my car and I needed to stay with her. He became pretty angry. He was totally irritated with me. I looked at him - like, seriously?! Why are you upset? He responded, saying, "I didn't do this to put you out of a place. I thought you had a plan". I responded, saying, " Ive been working on it but nothings working out. Its not for you to be worried about". Worry was the MINIMUM of what he was feeling. He was furious. I started crying because this is NOT how I wanted our last hour to be like.
We got to the parking lot and he had yet to speak with me. His anger subsided. We made small conversation. Then his jealousy started coming into his mouth - suggesting my ex was giving me a car for only certain reasons, asking if Id do those things. I was surprised by him. My ex arrived and parked across from us. I got my stuff together - a sinking feeling came upon me. Still unable to grasp what was happening. We were officially separating after 4 WHOLE years of knowing each other and barely having 3 days apart, ever.
I was in some pain but knew, Id have to hold it in until after I saw my ex. I didnt need pity or sympathy. I just needed to cry - something that Jimmy doesnt understand. He thinks Im shutting people out. REGARDLESS. I turned to the back window and embraced my puppies. Telling them Id miss them and see them soon. NOW THAT - killed me, inside. I walked away with my two bags.
Moments later, "HEY!" was shouted at me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. Jimmy threw his hands up in frustration. I looked at him oddly and said, what? He goes, "Cant say bye to nobody?". In that statement - I heard his pain. He was sad. I came to the window, on my passenger side, and said bye. He goes, UM no, you can come over to my side. I slowly walked over...Im not sure why I didnt just accept him being sad...but I couldnt. I felt like it was such BULLSHIT...not that he didnt feel those things but why NOW are you sad?!?!!
I came over to his window and said, Byeee. His eyes were glossed and he said this was strange. [maybe he said weird, same shit]. He and I exchanged our feelings of how strange and odd this was. He said he hasnt been away from me in four years, it makes him sad. I held back my tears until he stepped out and hugged me. He held me in a way that showed, he'll let go but doesnt want to. Thats when my tears came out. I felt as if I didnt push away - Id never let him go. Luckily - the pups tried escaping so our embrace ended.
I walked away, sucking in as much air as possible and realizing...this was it.
READ NEXT BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS OF OUR FIRST WEEK.
I recently went to dinner with Jimmy and two friends. Within this dinner...one of our friend's asked us, what was going on with us. When Jimmy went to the bathroom - said friend, mentioned how greatly he loved having us together, but it was still strange. He feels we just need to let it all out and go from there.
Well...within hours - Jimmy was so open...I sat in shock a few times. He let it all out. Everything from how he's surprised Im still around him, even as a friend. How he checked out of our relationship due to feeling as if he disappointed me by coming home tired and distracted by his business. He touched on the guy friends - saying they disliked me based on a false pretense.
It was everything I had assumed...everything I had been WANTING to hear, just once, from him.
He held nothing back. He touched upon his dreams, goals and how he saw us. How thinks that maybe this could just be in a bump in our long term relationship.
I interjected every so often. But...I mainly listened. It was words, stories and explanations that I had to make up in my own head to give myself a piece of mind. Nothing angered or hurt me - but instead, made me realize, how well we do know each other. How much love, really is there with us.
STORYTIME:
Just a little under a week ago - I officially stopped staying with Jimmy. He ran into issues with his landlord and the agreement was by the 1st. I was working hard through July to decide on a place to live with either of two guy friends. So far - nothing had been working out. I panicked realizing - I didnt have anything set up. Various friends offered their couches...but the night before I was due to move out, I broke down something serious.
I mean - I bawled my heart out. Jimmy stayed up and just held me and we eventually made love. There was so many emotions but I let the tears eventually stop and allowed his arms to be my safety net. Realizing - this could possibly ever happen again. When I woke up - he was still around me. In fact, every few minutes, he'd adjust himself to hug me closer. I got upset realizing he had messaged a girl that he had gone on a date with - the girl mentioned prior whom his one friend tried hooking him up with [I know nothing other than there's discussion of another hang out but im doing my best to just not find out more until there's a GOOD reason to know]. It bothered me and I ignored him saying goodbye. I took the entire day to myself. I didnt cry but I was in fact very numb.
He got home - and ordered us food. We watched some TV and finally decided to get going because I needed to pick up a car. On our drive to pick up the car - he asked me what my plan was. I shrugged, saying I didnt know yet. He began messaging our friend Jenn. saying I was sleeping in my car and I needed to stay with her. He became pretty angry. He was totally irritated with me. I looked at him - like, seriously?! Why are you upset? He responded, saying, "I didn't do this to put you out of a place. I thought you had a plan". I responded, saying, " Ive been working on it but nothings working out. Its not for you to be worried about". Worry was the MINIMUM of what he was feeling. He was furious. I started crying because this is NOT how I wanted our last hour to be like.
We got to the parking lot and he had yet to speak with me. His anger subsided. We made small conversation. Then his jealousy started coming into his mouth - suggesting my ex was giving me a car for only certain reasons, asking if Id do those things. I was surprised by him. My ex arrived and parked across from us. I got my stuff together - a sinking feeling came upon me. Still unable to grasp what was happening. We were officially separating after 4 WHOLE years of knowing each other and barely having 3 days apart, ever.
I was in some pain but knew, Id have to hold it in until after I saw my ex. I didnt need pity or sympathy. I just needed to cry - something that Jimmy doesnt understand. He thinks Im shutting people out. REGARDLESS. I turned to the back window and embraced my puppies. Telling them Id miss them and see them soon. NOW THAT - killed me, inside. I walked away with my two bags.
Moments later, "HEY!" was shouted at me. I stopped in my tracks and turned around. Jimmy threw his hands up in frustration. I looked at him oddly and said, what? He goes, "Cant say bye to nobody?". In that statement - I heard his pain. He was sad. I came to the window, on my passenger side, and said bye. He goes, UM no, you can come over to my side. I slowly walked over...Im not sure why I didnt just accept him being sad...but I couldnt. I felt like it was such BULLSHIT...not that he didnt feel those things but why NOW are you sad?!?!!
I came over to his window and said, Byeee. His eyes were glossed and he said this was strange. [maybe he said weird, same shit]. He and I exchanged our feelings of how strange and odd this was. He said he hasnt been away from me in four years, it makes him sad. I held back my tears until he stepped out and hugged me. He held me in a way that showed, he'll let go but doesnt want to. Thats when my tears came out. I felt as if I didnt push away - Id never let him go. Luckily - the pups tried escaping so our embrace ended.
I walked away, sucking in as much air as possible and realizing...this was it.
READ NEXT BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS OF OUR FIRST WEEK.
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