Two Months!

Here we are! Ive made it two months!! Here's a question and answer to show how I am holding up!

1. Are you happy?
• I am very happy.  Ive learned a lot about myself to the point where I am respecting myself. Not just with Jimmy - but even certain friends. I dont feel obligated to say yes or to explain myself or to do things that I dont feel comfortable with. I have more changes ahead of me and I am taking things one day a time. Im helping others - which makes me happy. I am doing it for me - not for just the sake of making others happy with me.
2. Do you still get sad?
• Sure. It depends on the moments - when making out with someone, it hurt me a bit because I realized how much I longed for companionship. But I dont want to settle. Then I wondered, will I ever find that special someone? Other times - its when Im in a 'moment' that Id be in normally with Jimmy - as his girlfriend. He had cousins/relatives visit - and it brought back memories - I actually ended up leaving early because it was overwhelming. Fortunately - he's always willing to listen to me - which is great because it helps me to let it all out. I do miss being with him in a sensual sense - I loved having him as a boyfriend - and as someone I can always go to...but, ultimately - he's still that for me. 
3. Have you cried at all?
• Oh of course. Its me...I cry about everything. Its healthy. I cried when I thought I could be pregnant - then when I found out I wasnt. I cried when I felt he ditched me for friends and lied about it. I cried when I realized a close friend of mine lied to me about something he shouldnt have. I cried at the thought of Jimmy moving away with my pups - when I moved my stuff out - when I helped Jimmy move....I just cry. :) 
4. Hows your 'friends' status with Jimmy?
• Its becoming more of the friend level now. Before we were both kind of confused. We treated each other like we were dating - and still fought out the break  up. Now, Im able to finally say, FUCK YOU about the way he went about the break up and he can hear it. His guy friends dont make it any easier, however. They constantly give him grief - and hes always covering up to them. At first, I was put off by this. I felt it was a huge sign of disrespect towards me. I didnt appreciate knowing that Ive done everything and anything for him - but bc they dont like me [mainly Bryant] - he has to lie and act as if Im just a driver. Its pretty annoying - some days, I just want to call each guy and be like THIS IS HOW IT IS! And just put it out there that we see each other daily, that we are still super intimate - all of Jimmy's choice, that we dont just see each other on days that Im driving or helping...that he talks with me about them, business, life and more.         Its nice because its as if we are having the best of both worlds - we have the freedom to make all decisons for ourselves but still a respect, to keep each other in the loop and be there for each other. We've had some glitches...and unfortunately all relate to his guy friends. But....they always disappear on him after awhile...so Im sure itll come soon. 
5. Is it becoming something more?
• No. Not that Im aware of. Hes still trying to land on his feet with the business - and finding his own social life. All of his social life was created via me. His friends walked away from him over two years ago - and he slowly become more involved within my own friends. Unfortunately - the ones he got close with - either screwed us over or moved away. He wants his own life...I want him to have his own life. Im still trying to bring myself to become independent and physically what I want. We are still close - but we are making sure we dont lose sight of the whole point. 
6. Are you dating?
• I thought I was...but the guy ended up lying about a lot of things - then I guess, didnt like the idea of my ex being around so much... so its kind of on hold. I guess? Otherwise - Ive been asked out...or given hints - but havent gone on a formal date. Not ready I guess...  Jimmy hasnt started dating either - hes attempted finding girls when hes out drunk at the bar - but no scores so far - other than sharing a drink or two. No numbers - no calls - no dates. Hes been looking on 'singles sites'...but nothing from there either. I think we are both just trying to find outlets but not sure where or how. 
7. Do you want a boyfriend?
• You know...I thought I did...or do --- but Im kinda not sure. Whats the point? Im either going to be lied to or cheated on or made to look like the bad person. Thats overwhelming. I dont plan on sleeping around -- but Id rather have a make out buddy then deal with half the bullshit guys I know or know of are stewing up. BUT...then again, I could be easily swept off my feet again. We'll see. 
8. What new things have you been up to?
• Ive begun putting myself first. I now put on make up, get my hair done, take myself out, dont even think twice about spending money on myself and speak up for myself. I dont care if I put myself out there emotionally - Im doing it. I no longer hold back from seeing certain people. I just do it. I want to be social and happy again - so Ive been visiting with a lot of friends. I began walking/running outdoors - which is something I always WANT to do but never bring myself to do. I stopped working at the gym. 
9. Whats holding you back?
• Im still in fear of myself. But Im working past it. Im afraid to lose Jimmy overall. As a friend or as more. I want both of us to be happy but I also dont want us to walk away if that wasnt how its supposed to be. But, I know God will point us the right way. 
10. Any bad moments?
• We had a big issue with his friends treating the rest of us like crap. We all went to see  Jimmy's show - and they purposely ditched everyone. Keeping Jimmy, supposedly, out of the loop. He offended a lot of close friends - especially me. I was pretty embarrassed that night. I had invited all our friends out for him - and organized everything. Without me - he wouldnt have been able to perform. He need a minimum of 5 people - he only had 2 - 4 if you counted his parents. I was super offended and couldnt keep those feelings to myself. I let it out when he got home that night - he listened and sounded so disappointed that his friends would do that. The next day - he heard it from others and myself, once again. For the first time in our entire relationship - he took responsibility for what had happened, completely. I didnt have to cover his ass or explain things to anyone - he got each persons number, personal apologized and then offered to organize a hang out with everyone minus his two friends - to make up for that night. He said he felt that it was wrong and wanted everyone to be together. It shed a lot of light on the person I see him wanting to become - versus the person he used to be or his friends are trying to make him into. I hope he can push past their influences and be his own person. We've had a few other tiffs...but I can handle it. Ive had some awkward moments with guy friends....ones trying to take things too far --- or ones speaking down about my choices. Either way - its a pure reflection on who they are and what itd be like if I chose to date them - so they made my mind up for me. 
11. Any favorite moments?
• Ive got those by the handfuls. Ive got great moments with Jimmy - and with others - and with both Jimmy and them. Ive gone out to countless brunch, dinners or bar nights - where its been such a good time! Ive seen relatives - gone to BBQs - seen a lot of different friends - gone to a few comedy shows - and just enjoyed being around friends again.