Darkest Before the Dawn

My weight has stayed off. Ive slowly introduced food back into my body - mainly thanks to a friend who noticed what is happening and doesnt want me getting sick.

I touched something I hadnt planned on til after I hit a weight loss goal. Alcohol.

I went out the following Friday of the incident, thinking Id be fine to drink. Well, after your body is used to burning everything you consume and having a pretty pure system [no soda, no caffine, no alcohol/carbs]--- it goes into shock if you change it up suddenly.

Within my first double shot drink - I was smashed. Absolutely smashed. I know it was also my adrenaline and nerves kicking in as well -- but that drunk feeling did not go away for HOURSSSS -- and it hit hard. I couldnt walk or speak half the time - Ive never been to that point. All my tolerance was gone.

Needless to say - I did not eat much over the weekend and I did not go to the gym - however I did make sure I continued to work. I needed to work. I needed my outlet. I reached for a free weight one morning and nearly passed out.  My body was at its weakest.

I woke up with daily naseau, I was constantly on edge...waiting for more bad news to come my way. I had two close calls of extremely bad news in relation to my breakup. I spent a lot of time on the phone and in front of people....fortunately - none of my bad news, became a reality.

It was officially over 3 days after he brought it up. The day we had gone to court...on the way to court, I told my friend/roommate, that tonight was the night. I felt my boyfriend was waiting to stress me out even more, after our court date. Which was exactly correct - except, he didnt come home til super late Wednesday. So, it HAD to wait because he decided to stay out yet again. Thats how I knew - he copping out. He was hiding from his choices. Which to me, is my own red flag-- he isnt confident about it because he doesnt truly mean it.

And I was right. I talked with him the next morning - and there it was. I want to live on my own - and I dont want us to be together. That hit like a ton of bricks. I sat there frozen, unmoved and unemotional. I had gone through one of the hardest weeks of my relationship with him...ALONE. I was stuck to handle all my tears, anger and sadness, ALONE. So, shit, why not just be alone????

I found my therapy within friends -- since I couldnt bring myself to turn to excersise or food I did the following:

POST BREAK UP

1. Did not work at my shop all weekend
2. Cried/Talked it out with his mom, bff in SC, bff who was at work
3. Put it on FB to make it feel more real
4. Had one of my guy friends pick me up, I almost broke down but decided, No.
5. Fed the ducks with a friend who was going through what I was, my roomie and my guy friend.
6. I laughed - a lot.
7. I vented - A LOT.
8. I said YES to nearly everything.
9. I went to my friends place with the guy and just sat in the warm sunshine and played w a pup
10. I stuck with my guns and stayed as calm around my "ex" as possible.
11. Talked with my bff in VA
12. Decided NOT to make plans with my "ex" and just relax for an evening
13. Was completely honest bout my emotional standpoint to my ex
14. I even let myself cry and cry in front of him - and he respected it.
15. I went out on a dance floor for the first time in years -- even before my ex -- single. I closed my eyes and spun around. I waved my hands all over, I wiggled, jumped and smiled. I let the music take ahold of my body, my mind, my worries and just let it go.
16. I saw a group of people I havent hung out with...like REALLY hung out with, in years.
17. I began wearing makeup daily
18. I started dressing sassier and put more effort
19. I became even more sociable at work
20. I strutted my stuff at home
21. I dyed my hair light brown/blonde - just like back in 2006 when I dealt with something similar
22. I took a movie night
23. I trusted ALL my instincts and stuck up for myself to my ex - which he respected, yet again.
24. I made a list of what I want from my life ASAP
25. I bonded with my roommate in ways I didnt expect or make an effort to
26. I planned a friends brunch...finally. ALmost saying NO due to my emotions making me sick and having the opportunity to hang with my ex...but i said NO to that. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
27. I spent my ENTIRE sunday afternoon, in the sunshine, feeling good, laughing, smiling and attempting food [I did down a glass of mimosa] with great people. I was able to vent - without feeling anything. I was able to have them relate, or change topics.
28. I brought myself Sunflowers. The first time ever buying my own flowers :)
29. I almost turned out a family outing - but thanks to a little boost from a friend - I said yes. I got cute and let them pick me up. My friend joined us. I talked more than I normally do, I smiled, laughed and joked.
30. I let myself back in.